The Truth About Self-Destruction

On December 1, 2018December 1, 2018 By Tiffani Luethke, Ph.D.In UncategorizedLeave a comment

I have to admit that this has probably been the most difficult post for me to write to date. For me, the topic of self-destruction hits really close to home. I feel like this entire past week, I’ve been challenged to look myself in the mirror and consider the ways in which I am and have been self-destructive.

Before we delve into this conversation, I want to be very clear in stating that I am not a trained mental health care professional and I can only speak from my own experiences. In developing today’s discussion, I’ve selected sources which I believe to be the most credible and to contain the most helpful information about this topic.

On that note, I want to offer a word of caution if you plan to do additional research on this topic as there are many articles out there which I feel offer incomplete or oversimplified and even potentially harmful information about this very complex topic.

Really, it’s impossible to expect that a single blog post could provide a comprehensive discussion of everything there is to know about self-destruction. So to that end, I would encourage you to read more about this topic here, here, here, and here. These articles will be a good start to understanding this topic – for yourself or perhaps for a loved one who has self-destructive tendencies.

Some of you may be wondering what it means to be self-destructive or you may be asking if you are self-destructive. Nearly any behavior can become self-destructive when it has the potential to cause us harm.

Some of the most common self-destructive behaviors include:

Drug or alcohol abuse
Compulsive gambling
Over eating (and under eating)
Sabotaging relationships
Engaging in frequent casual sex
Committing self-harm
Smoking

The list goes on and on. Even things that sometimes appear “healthy” on the surface can become destructive – like dieting (e.g., under eating), over exercising, unnecessary self-sacrifice (e.g., which result in giving up on your own goals), or being overly independent (e.g., refusing to ask for or accept help).

Have you ever done something and then asked yourself why you did it because it seemed irrational afterwards? For example, I can think of at least a few people I know who feared that their relationship with a significant other was about to end and then they caused a huge fight with that person. Almost inevitably the relationship ended as a result. Why do we sometimes sabotage ourselves like that?

Do you know someone who seems to have a skill for making a bad situation worse? Or maybe you are that person? *raises hand* In reality,we probably all know someone who struggles with self-destructive behaviors. We see them do the same things over and over again which have damaging effects on nearly every aspect of their lives and result in disappointment and failure.

Self-sabotage or self-destruction is not a rational behavior. In fact, for the most part, we tend to know it’s a bad idea when we’re doing it. We know it’s probably going to cause us (or possibly others) harm in the long run, but we go ahead and do it anyway. Sometimes, it feels like it’s impossible to stop doing whatever it is.

In this case, logic doesn’t really work because we already know that logically, this is a bad idea. Whether you believe you may have some self-destructive tendencies or you have a loved one who is self-destructive, I think you will find the information provided in today’s post to be helpful.

I’m going to break this discussion into two major parts. First, to understand why we do this and second, to understand what we can do about. Awareness is key here because once we’re down the path of self-sabotage, it’s pretty hard to pull ourselves back. Prevention and self-care are the best tools to help us manage our self-destructive tendencies, but I’ll talk more about that later.

Part 1: Why do we do this?

Self-destruction is not an indication of someone who is broken or defective. It can be easy to fall into the trap of assuming that we must have something ‘wrong’ with us – an addictive personality type or some other disorder that compels us to be this way. However, that’s simply not true. There are many intelligent, successful people who struggle with self-destructive behaviors. (And chances are, you know some of them.)

Self-destruction is not driven by a desire to suffer or fail. Some therapists have made this claim, but that line of thinking is outdated and completely unsupported. Additionally, when we blame ourselves and begin to believe that we are simply bad people, or that we are incapable of making the right decisions, we tend to exacerbate the situation. We create a greater sense of stress (and perhaps even guilt) and continue to behave in the same way because we have failed to understand the true cause of our self-destruction.

Self-destructive behaviors provide a sense of relief. Despite the fact that some self-destructive behaviors seem rather unpleasant (e.g., self-harm), they share the commonality of providing a sense of relief for their actors. This relief may come through pleasure or distraction or escape or as a means of expressing emotion. Certainly, what provides a sense of relief for one person will not be the same for another. Yet, the most important thing to understand here is that the behavior is something that feels helpful in the moment, but is actually harmful over time.

Self-destruction is a coping mechanism. In the simplest terms, individuals seek relief through self-destructive behaviors because they are attempting to cope with overwhelming negative emotion. The behavior itself allows them to “turn off” the emotion even if it’s just temporary. While individuals who act self-destructively are actually very diverse, Wupperman (2018) notes that they tend to share these common characteristics:

Experiencing emotion more strongly than others
Growing up in an adverse or invalidating environment

It’s important to note that this is a great oversimplification and may not apply to every person in every situation. Again, I encourage you to learn more about this topic by seeking out qualified individuals and credible resources.

Part 2: What can we do about it?

If we understand the underlying cause for our behavior, we gain awareness to better address our self-destructive tendencies. While we will always encounter unexpected events which trigger negative emotional responses (like the death of a loved one, going through a breakup or divorce, the loss of a job, and so on), we have the opportunity to better prepare ourselves for these experiences through self-care and planning.

In a moment, we’ll get to some practical and hopefully meaningful approaches for learning how to overcome (or prevent) our self-destructive behaviors, but first I want to address what doesn’t work (because there’s a lot of poor – and just plain incorrect – information out there).

Shaming doesn’t work. Telling someone they’re going to die, or destroy their life, or whatever other consequences you can think up, by continuing their behavior will not help them stop committing that behavior. In fact, it may very well have the opposite effect because the desire and pressure for relief will likely increase. And worse, it may also alienate you from this person.

This is why the idea of letting a person hit ‘rock bottom,’ or tearing them down to build them up, or posting embarrassing pictures of them (like the ones where an obese person has a heaping plate of food in front of them) tend not to work (as in, almost never). If we acknowledge that the self-destructive behavior is being committed in order to “turn off” negative emotion, we can begin to understand why shaming simply doesn’t work.

Distraction from or avoidance of the emotion doesn’t work. You may have heard people say things like, “You just need to find a hobby to distract you from doing (whatever your destructive behavior is)” Remember earlier when I said that virtually any behavior has the potential to become self-destructive? That’s because even if you give up smoking for say snacking, you’re only exchanging one self-destructive behavior for another potentially self-destructive behavior. Substituting doesn’t work because ultimately we’re still avoiding the emotion and that’s what got us here in the first place.

This is particularly dangerous because avoidance of our emotions accumulates over time. It’s not that the emotion ever goes away when we ignore it. In reality it builds much like steam in a pressure cooker. The more we ignore our emotions, the more steam we add to the pressure cooker, until one day we simply can’t hold it in and it explodes (think mid-life crisis, nervous breakdown, etc.). We have to learn healthy ways to feel and cope with our emotions without always needing to escape from them.

The following paragraphs will include some of these healthier ways to cope with our emotions.

Stay present with the emotion. Instead of ignoring or attempting to distract ourselves from our emotions, recognize them for what they are; be mindful of them. Name them, acknowledge them, and address them with curiosity. You may find that you’re feeling particularly anxious and ask yourself why you might be feeling that way. Oftentimes, our emotional responses are justified by something that is occurring in our lives (either internally or externally). It’s okay to feel sad, or angry, or frustrated, or anxious.

Acknowledging that you feel down doesn’t mean that you are in any way failing – quite the contrary, emotional experiences are a normal part of life! When we acknowledge our emotions and allow ourselves to feel without judgement, we can be empowered to move forward. Remember, the emotion is temporary and it will pass. The key is not to let these emotions impede our ability to continue living – we can coexist with our emotions, acknowledging that they are present (and uncomfortable), but that we will still persevere despite them.

Seek support and assistance from others. Finding a qualified mental health care professional can be invaluable. I want to make a point here that terms like “counselor” tend to be used rather loosely. If you’re seeking professional help, look for someone with the title of Certified Mental Health Counselor, Psychologist, or Psychiatrist to be sure you’re going to receive the best level of care from a trained and qualified professional.

Additionally, know that you may need to ‘try out’ a couple of different professionals before you find the right one. Finding the best mental health care professional for you is a bit like finding the right hairdresser (I think women may be able to relate to this example a bit better than men, but hopefully you will still get the idea). If you don’t find that you have a good connection with the first provider you meet, don’t get discouraged – simply make an appointment with someone else and try again (then repeat this until you find the right fit).

Ultimately, your ideal mental health professional will be someone who is able to provide help and support without judgement.

Practice self-compassion. Instead of beating ourselves up when we feel the need to behave self-destructively, it’s important to remind ourselves that we are doing the best we can in this moment. Practice positive self-talk like, “I know I can do this if I put my mind to it.” This is something that tends to be difficult for most people, so it may be helpful to think of what you would tell a friend in the same situation and then compassionately say those words to yourself.

When we experience negative emotions, it can also be helpful to practice self-soothing behaviors. Try listening to some calming music or taking a bubble bath or playing with a pet or going for a walk. When you find that it’s difficult to focus, taking a break to relax can be so much more productive than forcing ourselves to push through it – show yourself a little grace, you deserve it.

Find creative outlets to express emotion. Drawing, painting, dancing, playing an instrument, writing music or poetry, journaling, or any other practice that allows for creativity can be highly productive outlets for expressing our emotions.

In many ways, doing so allows us to explore our emotion with some curiosity and to face it, rather than ignore it. We don’t have to be ‘good’ at any of these art forms and it doesn’t have to be pretty (more than likely, it will result in something ugly and that’s okay). The point of this expression is that in some way, we are able let the emotion out – it’s a means of processing our feelings, and it can be very cathartic.

Learn to let go. Letting go of the past is so much easier said than done – I know. Forgiveness for ourselves and those who have hurt us can be incredibly freeing, however. You don’t even need to tell someone you’re forgiving them, you can simply have the intention and then commit to doing it. And, you can do the same in order to forgive yourself. You may even practice reciting a mantra such as, “I am worthy of compassion” to help you do this.

One activity which has been helpful for me in the past was writing a letter to someone who hurt me which said everything I wished I could say to them (all of the good, the bad, and the ugly). Afterwards, I buried the letter as a symbol of letting those things go; putting some sort of closure on the past and committing to moving forward.

Final Thoughts

You may have noticed that while I mentioned I have some self-destructive tendencies, I didn’t actually name them. I was extremely purposeful in writing this week’s post and I intentionally left this out because quite frankly, it’s not important.

Additionally, as I’ve mentioned in others posts, I don’t think it’s healthy for us to compare ourselves to others because it sets us up to think in terms of ‘better than’ or ‘worse than’ which is unproductive and damaging. One of the best things we can do for ourselves is to simply recognize ourselves for who we are as individuals and show some grace for the areas where we have room for growth.

Whether you read this post in an effort to find some help for yourself or for someone else, I hope you will walk away knowing that you are not alone. So many people struggle with self-destructive behaviors. Remember that our negative emotions will pass with time and that there are many healthy ways to practice coping.

If you have any questions or comments, I encourage you to post them below or to send me a private email.

All my best to you,

Tiff

References

Babauta, L. (2014). A guide to changing self-destructive behaviors. Zen Habits. Retrieved November 30, 2018, from https://zenhabits.net/destruct/

Hathaway, K. (Ed.) (2016). Dealing with negativity. University of Minnesota. Retrieved November 30, 2018, from https://www.takingcharge.csh.umn.edu/enhance-your-wellbeing/health/thoughts-emotions/deal-negativity-healthy-way

Neuman, F. (2017). Why do some people do self-destructive things? Psychology Today. Retrieved November 21, 2018, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fighting-fear/201701/why-do-some-people-do-self-destructive-things

Rollin, J. (2018).What if you changed the way that you view self-destructive behaviors? The Eating Disorder Center. Retrieved November 21, 2018, from https://www.theeatingdisordercenter.com/blog/what-if-you-changed-the-way-that-you-viewed-self-destructive-behaviors

Wupperman, P. (2018). Beyond self-destructive behavior. Psychology Today. Retrieved November 21, 2018, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/beyond-self-destructive-behavior

Photos (in order of appearance)

Don’t give up, Photo by taha ajmi on Unsplash
Cry, Photo by Luis Galvez on Unsplash
Naufragus, Photo by Ian Espinosa on Unsplash
Stories: Ch. 1, Photo by Sydney Sims on Unsplash

Productive Procrastination: I’m Doing It Right Now

On October 22, 2018 By Tiffani Luethke, Ph.D.In UncategorizedLeave a comment

Recently in a meeting with my advisor, I found myself defending my lack of progress on my dissertation (note that I had made progress, just not on the things we had previously discussed). I admitted that, at times, I am a procrastinator. I quickly added however that despite this, I’m always able to get my work done in the end.

To my surprise (and relief), my advisor made a rather astute observation, “You and I are like closet procrastinators. People tend to think we have everything together, but don’t you dare look in that filing cabinet over there!” I laughed because she was absolutely right!

I always meet deadlines, always complete my work in a way that is the best representation of my abilities (I’m even a bit of a perfectionist), but I frequently procrastinate until the last possible minute. It’s not that I’m not working when I procrastinate. It’s not at all like I’m home binge watching Netflix all week (though the thought of it sounds pretty appealing).

It’s just that I tend to find other things that are more pressing and demand my attention in the moment (or maybe just things that I prefer to do at the time). In fact, when I’m under pressure or feeling stressed, I often feel compelled to start organizing things like a stack of mail, or the filing cabinet, or my closet, or the entire guest room! At this moment, I’m pretty sure there are some people who just read this and thought, “I’ve never felt compelled to organize anything!” and there’s some people who thought, “OMG, I thought I was the only one!” Either way, you are not alone! — Everyone experiences stress in their own way. (And, if you’re feeling particularly stressed and/or exhausted right now, I encourage you to read my previous post on burnout.)

I know that at some subconscious level, my compulsions to organize are probably a way that I can feel a sense of control over the things in my life (and I’m okay with that) – like, even if I don’t feel that I’m making any ‘real’ progress on my dissertation or have much power over when I will actually graduate because there are so many unknown variables, at least I can have a sense of power over this very small corner of my life and find some order within it. I personally find it so rewarding to have something tangible – something that I can actually look at with my own eyes and see the progress I’ve made after putting in a hard day’s work.

When I start organizing things, I also know it’s at least partly because my brain needs a break from the other work I’m doing. And to be honest, I think the truth is that I also just process things differently. I like to think about things (a lot) conceptually before I actually go about completing a task. I like to visualize the big picture – think about what the end product will be, and then I try to create a plan (essentially work backwards from the end) by filling in the steps that will get me where I want to be. In my research of today’s topic, I discovered that this is a real thing, sometimes called “mind wandering” and it’s a process that some people use to let information percolate before they actually sit down to complete a task. In many cases, it’s beneficial to let information sort of “soak in” and allow us time to form a strategy within our minds before we actually set out to do something.

Back in that same meeting with my advisor, she made this exact point – noting that while I hadn’t completed the work I had hoped to complete (she also frequently reminds me that my deadlines are mostly self-imposed, so I should stop apologizing when I don’t meet them), she knows I’ve been thinking about my work and that when I sit down to actually do it, I will be fully prepared to do so. It’s true, I really do think about my research ALL OF THE TIME – I literally dream about it some nights. It turns out, I’ve totally been embracing some “mind wandering” of my own and I didn’t even know it. (Side note: I think the reason my advisor knows all of this is that we are eerily similar in personality type, but that’s a discussion for a different day.)

Good news, people! Procrastinating can actually be a good thing and I’m going to tell you how to start making the most of your ~~bad~~ ~~good~~ awesome habit today:

Include a variety of tasks. When you create your to-do list each day, avoid putting down one large goal (like writing 20 pages) and instead give yourself multiple tasks that will require different lengths of time to complete. I find this particularly helpful when, for instance, writing is on my list (let’s be honest, it always is) and I just don’t wake up feeling like writing (because sometimes I just don’t). Instead, I might choose to work on doing the laundry, or responding to emails, or working on a presentation, or running to the store, or working out (yep, I totally put that on my to-do list).

Literally, anything you want to accomplish during your day can go on your list (there’s no judgement here, you’re the only one who has to see it!). Some of the articles I read even recommended adding things like “eat breakfast” or “have coffee” or “make my bed” to your to-do list so that by the time you actually sit down to your desk (or whatever your work space looks like), you already have a sense of accomplishment that will help keep your motivation up and your completion rate high. Not a bad idea, but I’ll let you be the one to determine the extent to which you’re going to detail the tasks of your day.

An article in The New York Times, endearingly titled “This Was Supposed to Be My Column for New Year’s Day” (and posted on Jan. 14th – so only a few days late, really), referenced the work of Dr. Steel on the art of procrastinating. My favorite line from this article is a quote from Dr. Steel which was begging to be shared with all of you, “We are willing to pursue any vile task as long as it allows us to avoid something worse.” I’m not sure if I actually agree with Dr. Steel on this because I prefer for my to-list to be compiled of things that are actually attainable (I LOVE checking off tasks), but it seems like it may be worth putting something sort of repulsive on the list to see if it motivates us to (more willingly) do everything else.

Celebrate small victories. One thing I find extremely helpful is to break large goals into smaller, more achievable ones. So, if you need to write 20 pages by the end of the week, or sign up 50 new clients, or grade 100 papers, don’t expect to complete it all in one day (be reasonable!). Instead, make your goal to write 4 pages per day, sign up 10 new customers, or grade 20 papers (I just divided the total by 5 which assumes you’re trying to complete the task in a single [work] week, but you can easily do the same for a month or a year or a decade – why the heck not?!).

Then when you achieve your goal for the day, freaking celebrate!!! Take a break and reward yourself in whatever way you choose (e.g., take a walk, have a dance party (maybe in your office), hang out with a friend, get ice cream, watch some football, make it rain confetti – I can go all day…). It’s important to remind ourselves of our successes and to celebrate them accordingly. I’ll talk a bit more about this later when I discuss why we need to stop beating ourselves up for procrastinating. Bottom line: Allow yourself to relish the moment when you accomplish a goal, you absolutely deserve it. 🙂

Be intentional. Recognize that while [productive] procrastination can be a good thing, we should consider the reason that we are choosing to procrastinate. If it’s because we actually do need more time to think about a task before we start it or just that we don’t feel like doing that particular task at the moment, those can be good reasons to work on something else for a while. However, if you’re delaying a task because you don’t believe in it (maybe it conflicts with a personal value, for instance) or because you fear it (like, maybe you think you will fail), procrastinating could actually be quite detrimental.

If the reason you’re avoiding a task is because you actually don’t think it’s a good idea or if it’s a project you don’t believe in (and perhaps, don’t want to be associated with), consider handing the task off to someone else, if at all possible. On the other hand, if you fear that you may fail to complete the task in some way and just can’t seem to get started – remember that everyone fails and it’s a normal part of life. In fact, it’s how we learn! Don’t let this fear paralyze you and prevent you from reaching your goals!

There may even be things you can do to help set yourself up for success (and that will actually allow you to get started on the project) like speaking with others in your field to get advice, adding colleagues to the project to help assist with its completion, and/or breaking the project up into more manageable parts over time.

Avoid waiting too long. While I do tend to procrastinate, I always allow myself enough time to actually complete a project by the deadline. Keep in mind that this doesn’t mean I’m throwing together shoddy work at the last minute to ensure I have something (or anything) to submit. I’m committed to completing high quality work in whatever I do, so part of the time I designate to complete a project also includes enough time to do things like preliminary research and/or proofreading after my initial draft.

However, I recognize that things sometimes happen which are completely out of our control. The people I work with know that (for me) these are the exception and not the norm. So when a family emergency occurs or I get sick and have to ask for a deadline extension, it’s almost never a problem.

If you’re not already in the practice of doing so, I encourage you to work towards budgeting enough time to fully complete a project with the quality of work it deserves, even when you procrastinate. If this is a struggle, I encourage you to go back to the previous point and consider the root of the reason for your procrastination – it may be that you aren’t committed to the goal or that you don’t actually want to do the task – in which case, you may consider what other options are available to you.

Stop beating yourself up. We often berate ourselves when we procrastinate, but as you now know, [productive] procrastination can actually be a good thing. So why do we beat ourselves up for doing it? We may feel obligated to be in front of the computer screen because that’s what we think we should be doing, even if it means staring at a blank screen or wasting time on Facebook or other sites. Instead, when you know you’re not going to be productive (you know yourself and I’m certain you often know if you’re going to be productive before you even sit down to work), consider doing something that will actually give your mind the break it needs.

Remember, how I mentioned “mind wandering” earlier? There’s kind of an art to it in that when we allow ourselves to gain some objectivity and space from a project, we often find our minds more able to openly and creatively explore ideas. Sometimes, the very best thing we can do is walk away from the computer (or other workspace) and literally get outside. Take a break and allow your mind to rest.

My advisor told me about a former graduate student who actually woke up from a dream and could suddenly understand how her data set fit together. Of course, this doesn’t happen for everyone and you shouldn’t necessarily expect to have some great epiphone, but it’s a great example of how some space to just let things ‘percolate’ can be extremely meaningful and much more productive than staring hopelessly (and frustrated) at a blank computer screen.

Find some accountability. Pretty much all of us are more likely to meet our goals when we have someone to help hold us accountable. While a significant other or friend can be a good option, sometimes people we care about aren’t the best people to hold us accountable. We should be cautious because they may be inclined ‘to let us off the hook’ when we don’t meet our goals which can quickly become a bad habit. It’s also possible that they might be really good at holding us to our goals, but we may begin to feel resentful or frustrated which would likely harm our relationships with them.

Alternatively, look for a colleague who could also benefit from having someone hold them accountable. In this case, the experience is mutually beneficial. It doesn’t even have to be someone within your office. Another graduate student who I had met during a class agreed to be an accountability partner with me even though we didn’t live in the same town. We sent our daily and weekly goals to each other via email and did weekly video chats to check-in which worked really well for us.

If a colleague isn’t a viable option for you (for whatever reason), a mentor or counselor could also be a great person to help hold you accountable. Just remember that ultimately, you are responsible for your own success — you have the ability to set your own goals and you’re the only person who can choose to achieve them.

Final Thoughts:

As with my previous posts, the common theme here is that it’s all about you. Make productive procrastination work for you in the way that you want it to. And, if you don’t want to procrastinate (because maybe you don’t find it personally beneficial) – don’t!

I encourage you to try some of the above tips out and see what’s most ideal for you.

Let me know what’s helping you be a productive procrastinator in the comments section below – I would love to hear from you!

All my best,

Tiff

___

References

Onderko, P. (2015). 6 tips to be a productive procrastinator. Success. Retrieved October 17, 2018, from https://www.success.com/6-tips-to-be-a-productive-procrastinator/

Tierney, J. (2013). This was supposed to be my column for New Year’s day. The New York Times. Retrieved October 17, 2018 from https://www.nytimes.com/2013/01/15/science/positive-procrastination-not-an-oxymoron.html

Zhang, M. (2014). How procrastinating can make you more productive. Business Insider. Retrieved October 17, 2018, from https://www.businessinsider.com/use-procrastination-to-get-things-done-2014-6

Photo Credits (in order of appearance)

Girl, Photo by Alexandra Gorn on Unsplash
The shelf, Photo by Paweł Czerwiński on Unsplash
Sparklers, Photo by Jayson Hinrichsen on Unsplash
Sisters are forever, Photo by Andrea Tummons on Unsplash

Learning to Love Your Journey

On October 13, 2018October 16, 2018 By Tiffani Luethke, Ph.D.In UncategorizedLeave a comment

Mandalas, if you aren’t familiar with them, are these beautiful works of art typically made from sand. They are painstakingly designed and then created with great care grain by grain. They often take weeks to complete. Today, they have been adopted by other cultures, but the practice is attributed to Tibetan monks. The design is symbolic as the mandala itself is circular, a representation of the world. When the mandala is complete, the sand is carefully swept away. The mandala is destroyed and the sand is typically placed into water, as a symbolic gesture of giving it back to the earth.

In the past, I have shared the concept of mandalas with my students as a means of discussing the importance of the process itself; the journey. While that’s not untrue, – there certainly are some lessons in being a part of something bigger than one’s self and becoming part of a community to create and collaborate – there is actually a greater underlying meaning in understanding that everything is impermanent.

Truly, everything we experience, everything that is a part of the construct of our lives, is fleeting. Our emotions; our suffering, our joy, it is all impermanent. I bring this up because I think a big part of learning to love the journeys we are on, at whatever point we are at, is knowing that we won’t be here, in this spot, forever.

Through understanding the impermanence of each day, each experience, we can learn to hold on to those things that bring us joy and happiness. These are the things we should savor! And at the same time, we can take comfort in knowing that when we are in pain, the sorrow will fade with time.

(On the other hand, I want to make a point here that feeling hopeless is very different from feeling sad. Sadness does fade, but a sense of true hopelessness may indicate depression which is a serious condition. If you are experiencing this, I urge you to connect with a healthcare professional immediately to seek help. Please send me a private message if you would like additional information or assistance with starting the process.)

Today, I want to share with you some of my best tips (and those of others) which are likely to help you embrace, and eventually love, the journey on which you find yourself. Remember, you are the only person who determines how you experience your life. While we may encounter occurrences that we don’t expect, we always have the ability to choose how we respond to and move forward from these events.

Learn to be present. Ever tried to practice yoga with cats around? It’s almost impossible to let your mind wander because your cats will keep bringing you back to the present moment whether they’re rubbing their squishy faces on your legs, or batting their paws at your hair, or trying to take a nap underneath you while you’re in downward dog. This example often comes to mind when I think of being present because it’s all about fully participating in the moment and allowing your senses to be fully engaged with your surroundings.

Put the distractions away (yes, even your phone – OMG, don’t hyperventilate, I’m only asking you to do this for a short time each day) and be present in the moment for at least a few minutes each day. This may be while you’re out on a walk or spending time with family or friends. It may be while you’re getting a pedicure or back massage. It may be while you practice an art like playing the piano, or painting, or dancing.

Whatever it is, commit to spending some time in which you allow yourself to fully engage in the moment and the pleasure of the activity. At the same time, recognize that your mind will inevitably drift away and when it does, be gracious and lovingly bring your attention back to the present moment. The more we practice this, the better we will become at truly being present (and the less we will find our minds wandering).

Practice flexibility and adaptability. I find this to be very challenging myself, but honestly, the more flexible and adaptable I become, the better I truly feel. A wonderful teacher and mentor, Carole Westerman, recently reminded me that in whatever we are cultivating through our practice (in this case, the practice of yoga), we should become more flexible, not less.

We may adopt a trend or way of life that improves our well-being, like a diet or form of exercise, but it shouldn’t be at the expense of becoming less flexible. For instance, if you adopt an all-organic lifestyle, that’s awesome for you! However, if it means that you suddenly can’t go to dinner with friends or travel or simply enjoy your life, then maybe we should be asking ourselves why we’re doing it.

This doesn’t mean that a particular practice doesn’t have value or isn’t important, but it’s equally important to develop some flexibility. Maybe this means that you have to do some research in advance and suggest restaurants that would be most ideal for you (from the example above). Or maybe it simply means having some tolerance for ambiguity and understanding that you may not be able to control the circumstances of every situation – and that’s okay.

Most importantly, I don’t think it’s healthy to create lots of restrictions for ourselves which prevent us from fully living and experiencing our lives – why not have both?!

Discover things that bring you joy. Yes, just yes! Try new things or pick up old things that you used to love doing. Spend some time doing the activities that bring you joy and savor them. Smile, laugh, share these events with others, and repeat.

There is no judgement here. In fact, I would encourage you to connect with your inner child and really ask yourself what you find fun. Go play laser tag with your friends or just a group or strangers – don’t knock it until you try it, it’s seriously a great time. Go to a concert, go paintballing with zombies (this is something I actually just bought tickets for and I am stoked!), sign up for a 5K, take up dance lessons or learn to play an instrument, play video games, take up writing, or just go for walk!! Literally, the sky is the limit. Hey – you could even go skydiving (if that’s your thing – heights are totally not my thing!).

Don’t be afraid to be explorative. See what’s happening nearby you. This doesn’t have to be something costly (in fact, it could absolutely be free!). Consider finding an adventurous friend to try some things with you or go on your own!n Above all, have fun and discover some joy.

Find some gratitude. This sounds so simple, but we often forget to do it. A few months ago, I read The Book of Joy (which I highly recommend) and I believe it was Archbishop Desmond Tutu who simply reminded readers to “count your blessings.” We (or at least, I) tend to spend a lot of time complaining about things in our lives – all of the shortcomings and disappointments, but we don’t designate much recognition or time to the things for which we should be grateful.

This may sound silly, but it honestly gets easier the more you do it. I always think of my friend and former colleague, Beth, who posted a blank sheet of paper to our shared office door and labeled it, “Things I am grateful for…” She gently encouraged me and our third office comrade to participate in her activity (which we rather grudgingly did – at first).

Amazingly, it didn’t take long for us to fill that sheet and even others throughout the building stopped to add their thoughts to the list. Tiny little scribbles barely legible appeared in the margins until there was virtually no space left. So many things I hadn’t even thought of (and can’t specifically recall now) appeared on that list and reminded me of how full my life was (and is) – how many things for which to be grateful.

This is an easy task you can do on your own or with friends or colleagues. Take a blank sheet of paper and write down one thing for which you are grateful. Work on adding just one item each day. It won’t take long for you to fill your sheet and chances are, you will often have more than just one.

Leave the past in the past. Forgive yourself and move on. When you lie awake at night, do you agonize over all of the should-ofs and could-ofs from your life? Stop torturing yourself. We cannot change the past (although sometimes we really, really wish we could). All we can do is learn from those experiences and try our very best to avoid making the same mistakes again.

Have some grace and remind yourself that you are human, which means you (and all of the rest of us) are fallible, imperfect beings. Everyone – EVERYONE – makes mistakes. Stop comparing yourself to others. We can’t possibly know all of the experiences of every person, so we should just stop worrying about other people and instead, focus inward.

If you find it difficult to have some self-compassion (like most of us do), try imagining what you would tell a friend in the same situation (and then, give that very loving and compassionate message to yourself).

Look forward to the future. Put simply, plan with intention and make it happen. Did you know people who write down their goals are more likely to achieve them? It’s true and it’s actually supported by science – in fact, one study found that people were 42% more likely to achieve their goals and dreams when they simply wrote them down on a regular basis.

What does this mean for you? First, you need to spend some time really thinking about your goals and dreams. Don’t limit yourself (at least not a first) — really indulge your wildest dreams and make a list with everything on it. Challenge yourself – it can be exciting and highly motivating to envision yourself reaching new heights. Once you’ve done that, you can start shaping your list into a more realistic set of goals, both long-term and short-term.

Recently, while standing in the entryway of a friend’s apartment, I noticed a whiteboard which hung next to the front door. There, clearly written out and even numbered (I think to indicate the priority of each) was a list of this person’s goals. It occurred to me that this is the level of commitment we need to actually achieve our goals. It’s important for us to see them and remind ourselves of what we’re working towards frequently, because it helps keep us motivated.

I’m not at all saying that you need to hang your goals next to your front door (though it’s not the worst idea), but I challenge you to actually take the time to write down your goals and keep them close. Check those goals frequently and ask yourself if you’re on track to meet them. Are there things that are keeping you from achieving your goals? Do you need to adjust your goals because of recent changes in your life? Whatever the case, commit to revisiting and even rewriting these goals on a regular basis. Seriously, the science supports it.

Fill your mind with the right stuff. Everything we take in is being filtered by our brains in some way and absolutely impacts our mood and behavior. Be selective about the music you listen to, the books or magazines you read, and even the television or movies you watch. I’m not saying you shouldn’t ever indulge in watching a scary movie, but if that’s all you ever watch, you’ll probably find that your anxiety and paranoia are constantly activated.

Opt for music that helps relax you or lifts your mood. I was at the gym the other night and saw this guy who was in his own world, totally blocking out anyone else in the gym, and he was busting out some pretty serious dance moves to whatever was playing in his earbuds. It made me smile because that’s exactly what our music should do for us – it should move our souls and make us want to dance like no one is watching.

Read books and articles that leave you with a sense of wonder, possibility, or inspiration. This doesn’t mean you have to stop reading fiction (because I love a good suspenseful murder mystery) if that’s your thing. Just consider mixing in some material that leaves you with that feel-good buzz. I already mentioned The Book of Joy, and I’m currently reading Girl, Wash Your Face (both of which I highly recommend), but there are literally tons of great books our there! In fact, just google, “great books that leave you feeling good” or “best inspirational books” and you will find many (many) suggestions.

Okay, you get the idea. Just to be clear, I’m definitely not encouraging you to ignore things that may not be pleasing to you (like the news, for instance – this is not an excuse to be ignorant), but I do think there should be a healthy balance of the type of information we’re receiving each day. This is especially true if you find that your mood is being largely impacted by these things. You know yourself better than anyone else, so listen to what your mind and body are telling you and go with what’s best for you.

Love yourself. Give yourself a virtual (or literal, if you prefer) hug. I mentioned both gratitude and self-forgiveness previously, but these aren’t really the same as actually loving yourself. Do you think you are a good person? Do you like yourself? Do you love yourself? You should! And if you don’t, you’re the only person keeping you from doing so.

That may have felt harsh, but it’s the honest truth — if you don’t love yourself, you are the only person on the planet who can change it. Start focusing on the wonderful qualities about yourself that make you awesome — Are you reliable? Always have a friend’s back? Always willing to help? Genuinely care about your friends? Trust me, there are reasons for you to love yourself and that’s where you need to place your focus.

However, if you find that your list of awesome qualities is shorter than you would like it to be, or if there’s qualities about yourself that you don’t admire, then decide if these things are really important to you. And if they are important to you (don’t worry about other people), change them! If you don’t like that you are constantly breaking your word or bailing on friends, figure out what needs to change so that you can stop doing that.

I want you to love yourself today and tomorrow and always, but recognize that we are all works-in-progress and that is completely okay. It doesn’t make us any less lovable, it makes us human.

Have a sense of humor. Practice laughing when things don’t go the way you planned (instead of exploding with anger or simmering on the inside). Our reaction to unexpected events determines how we experience the world around us. It’s definitely not always easy, but it can really help us cope with life when we approach things with a sense of humor or lightness. And I think it actually helps us with becoming more flexible and adaptable as well.

I will admit I have a tendency to take things a bit too seriously (just ask any of my friends or family members), but I am ‘seriously’ (pun fully intended) working on this and I think I’m making improvements. And to be honest, when it feels like the only options are to laugh or cry, I would just rather laugh (because no one likes to cry).

If you’re blessed with the gift of quick wit, this can be particularly useful in providing comic relief. It’s not always appropriate, but sometimes what people really need is a reprieve from the seriousness of life and some comic relief can often provide that. I don’t really know how to tell you to read the ‘right’ situation, but I trust you to use your best judgement in knowing when and where this could be useful. It’s okay to laugh, people!

Focus on others. This may sound counter-intuitive initially. But truly, if you’re trying to find some joy in your own life, the most effective way to do that is by focusing on others (in fact, that’s almost the entire point of The Book of Joy — I’ve referenced this twice already so I trust that you can navigate your way to one of the above links if you’re interested in reading it!).

You may consider taking up a cause or volunteering at a local community center – both of which would be great ideas and worthy endeavors. However, there’s something you can easily do today that doesn’t take a lot of time or effort and that’s to simply listen. I mean really listen to the people around you.

Most people in [emotional] pain just want to feel heard and you can offer that. It’s easy (well, maybe it’s not that easy)! Just shut your mouth, stop talking, and pay attention (you can reference my earlier point about learning to be present if you’re not sure how to do this, but I have a feeling you do).

You don’t need to have all of the answers. You don’t need to have access to lots of resources. You don’t need to provide any solutions. All you have to do is listen. Just try it, what do you have to lose?

Final Thoughts

Trust your instincts when it comes to doing things that will help you learn to love your journey. Like I’ve said before (and will definitely say again), you know yourself better than anyone else.

Remember that we only have today – tomorrow is not promised to us. Recognize the impermanence of everything and start embracing your journey today.

References

Bluerock, G. (2017). 6 ways to love your life more. Life. Retrieved October 4, 2018, from https://www.huffpost.com/entry/6-ways-to-love-your-life-more_b_8295318

Morrissey, M. (2016). The power of writing down your goals and dreams. Huffpost. Retrieved October 11, 2018, from https://www.huffingtonpost.com/marymorrissey/the-power-of-writing-down_b_12002348.html

Priebe, H. (2018). 33 simple ways to fall back in love with your life. Thought Catalog. Retrieved October 4, 2018, from https://thoughtcatalog.com/heidi-priebe/2015/10/33-simple-ways-to-fall-back-in-love-with-your-life/

The Pluralism Project. (2018). Creating a mandala. Harvard University. Retrieved October 10, 2018, from http://pluralism.org/religions/buddhism/the-buddhist-experience/creating-a-mandala/

Photo Credits (in order of appearance)

Mandala, Photo by Bharet Dass on Instagram (@bharatdass108)
Smiling woman, Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
Chasing the light in Yosemite, Photo by Grant Ritchie on Unsplash
Just laugh, Photo by Jenna Anderson on Unsplash

Are You Feeling the Burn[out]?

On September 25, 2018September 27, 2018 By Tiffani Luethke, Ph.D.In Uncategorized15 Comments

This past weekend, I went to a friend’s backyard barbecue. Sitting around a fire, surrounded by friends – the evening was nearly picturesque – kids running around, adults enjoying cocktails, all while playing some fun yard games.

As the night wore on and we all began to wind down, a familiar topic of conversation emerged which has prompted me to write today’s blog post. Over the past several months, I’ve been hearing many of the same frustrations and concerns from my friends, family members, colleagues, and even students (plus, I’m pretty sure I’ve said these exact words more than once):

I’m exhausted

I’m working all the time and just can’t get caught up

I go to work early and leave late, but it’s not enough

It’s never enough

It seems we’re facing a huge problem as a society, but nothing is changing. We continue down the same destructive path, hoping that if we just spread ourselves a little bit thinner, stretch a little bit farther, we’ll achieve some miraculous act which will allow us to finally find some relief.

We’re burnt out. And the truth of the matter is, there isn’t some magical fix around the next bend.

What is almost certain to happen is that we will exhaust our bodies and minds to their breaking points. We will face health issues that impact us physiologically and likely, psychologically. Our bodies will demand that we stop the madness — that we finally get some rest! Unfortunately, it will be at the cost of lasting damage which will set us back even further than our previous starting point.

Not to mention the strain that this lifestyle is likely to place on our relationships with others (your SO, your kids, other family members or friends).

And the cycle begins again.

Unless, we choose to change.

Perhaps, even worse than the sentiment of burnout are the feelings of failure that we seem to adopt as a result:

I’ll never make enough money

I’m always letting my family down

I hate what I do, but I don’t have another option

I will never do better than this

If you’re still reading this and you find that you can identify with one or more of these statements – please, stop lying to yourself.

Stop lying to yourself today. Make the commitment to yourself to stop being your own worst enemy and to instead, have some self-compassion.

Think about all of the great things you are…

Intelligent

Hard-working

Problem-solving

Self-motivated

Bloody brilliant

You’re practically GD super human!

You (and only you) have the power and ability to change your life. To make it what you want.

You can improve your circumstance and you can become a happier person. It won’t be easy, but you’ve almost certainly been through harder things in the past – and you survived!

Reading over these last few lines, I realized how much I’m sounding like one of those self-help books or motivational cassette tapes (yep, I remember those). The truth of the matter is that you already know all of this – I’m not saying anything you haven’t already told yourself. But, maybe seeing it here in text, written on this page, will push you one step closer to actually making the changes you want to make. Maybe today will be the day that you commit to yourself to actually take some action.

You can start today.

As you probably already know, burnout is the result of sustained stress and exhaustion. It will not resolve itself or get better on its own. The only way to tackle burnout is to work on decreasing the underlying stress and to help ensure your body is able to get the rest it needs. Below, I’ve pulled together some of the best practices for learning to cope with (and hopefully recover from) burnout which I hope you find helpful.

Best Practices for Coping with Burnout:

Prioritize, prioritize, prioritize. Ask yourself what’s most important to you – What are your non-negotiables? What must be done today? What can you let go of? What can you delegate to others?

Once you have a list of your true priorities, you can begin breaking them down into realistic goals. Maybe you need to shift or adjust your goals to better fit with your current place in life. It’s important to be honest with ourselves during this process because over-committing or setting our goals too high, will only land us back in the same spot again. It’s much better to start with small, attainable goals, than to feel defeated by unrealistic goals.

If you have difficulty gauging what you can actually accomplish in a week, break it into days. Then, break those days into hours. Do whatever it takes for you to regain control of your goals and to begin feeling a sense of accomplishment. I use todoist.com to help me stay organized and on task, but there are lots of great resources out there. So, find what works for you and take control of your priorities.

I will likely write more about goal setting at a later date, but one approach that tends to work well for people is setting S.M.A.R.T. goals. Here’s a page from MindTools that will give you a quick rundown of the SMART Goal Strategy to help you get started.

Find restorative outlets. While the very best thing is likely to take some time away from the source of your stress (e.g., work, school, etc.), I realize that this may not be possible in many cases. If taking a restorative vacation is out, then look for things that can bring some peace and calm throughout your week.

It may be as simple as making time to take a walk or calling a good friend to catch up. It might be getting a massage or taking an afternoon out on the lake to fish or paddle-board. It may be enrolling in a yoga class or practicing meditation at home.

Whatever it is, it should be fun – this should be the thing that brings you joy, the thing you look forward to throughout your week. I know you’re probably thinking that you don’t have time to fit another thing into your schedule – after all, that’s what started this whole mess – but, I assure you, carving out some time each week (even if it’s just one hour on a random evening) will exponentially be worth the investment for your health.

Learn to say no. This is something that I definitely struggle to do. I’m always worried that turning down an opportunity could mean less opportunities in the future. So, I say yes until my plate is so full that I can’t really give my best effort to anything.

Here’s the truth: We cheat ourselves and we cheat the projects we work on when we don’t protect our time.

Saying ‘no’ doesn’t mean we have to be jerks either (because I know sometimes it can feel that way) – it can be as simple as saying, “Thanks for thinking of me. Unfortunately, I don’t have the time to designate to helping with this project right now, but I hope you’ll keep me in mind for future opportunities.”

People really do appreciate honesty and they would rather have you turn them down up front, then to watch you bail out half way through or do a haphazard job. And, if you’re really as amazing as I know you are, the opportunities will continue to present themselves in the future.

Show some self-compassion. Believe it or not, most people really struggle to show self-compassion. We’re so hard on ourselves – we push ourselves to set extremely high goals and then, berate ourselves for failing when we aren’t perfect (because no one is!!). Give yourself a break. Try thinking about what you would tell a good friend in the same situation and then, practice some positive self-talk.

Did you miss a goal? Were you unable to complete your to-do list today? Focus on the positive – remind yourself of everything you did accomplish today and then, adjust your goals for tomorrow (and so on) accordingly.

Avoid thinking of goal adjustment as “lowering” your standards and instead consider how goals can be fluid; something that we can adjust and adapt over time. We don’t have to give up on a goal if we don’t quite reach it when we face obstacles. We can simply shift our goals to account for the new information we have acquired and then, continue forward.

More than once during my graduate program, my timeline has shifted because of my research. Of course, hind sight is 20/20 and I might choose a different research path based on what I know today. But, I didn’t stop doing research and I certainly didn’t quit my pursuit toward finishing my Ph.D. when faced with these challenges. Knowing my research will be worthwhile in the end and that I have the opportunity to investigate something I’m truly passionate about has helped me realize that my goal hasn’t really changed, it’s just adjusted a bit. And, in the end, I will still have those 3 little letters after my name. 🙂

Lean on your support network. Spending time with those who genuinely care about us and who lift us up is all the more important when we’re experiencing burnout and feeling down. It may be the last thing you feel like doing, but it’s important to socialize – even if it’s just a night out (or in) with one or two of your closest friends.

Your support network should consist of people who help provide objectivity and clarity. People who act as a sounding board and can provide compassion when you have a hard time being compassionate with yourself.

You don’t need a large group of friends to establish a strong support network. Draw on those around you who are authentic, the people you can count on when things are tough. This may consist of people who are colleagues, your siblings, or friends from college – whatever the case, whoever makes up your support network, spend some time with these people to help pull you through the difficult times.

Get enough sleep. That’s basically it – just get enough sleep (as in at least 7 hours). You would be amazed at the difference a good night’s sleep makes on your overall mental and physical state. There’s an excellent book by Arianna Huffington, The Sleep Revolution, that is simply a great read and provides a much more in depth explanation than I could possibly provide here. If you’re short on time to read, consider listening to the audio book version on your morning commute.

Seriously though, prioritize your sleep schedule and watch the positive impact it will have on your life.

Fuel your body with nutritious food. I think nutrition and diet are extremely important and I will probably talk about this more in future blog posts, but what I want you consider today is how food makes us feel. If we’re always carb-loading (despite their awesome deliciousness), we’re likely to feel heavy and sluggish because that’s the type of food we’re putting into our bodies.

It’s important to eat a balanced diet that provides us with the energy we need to make it through the day. (This means actually taking the time to eat meals throughout the day and not just refilling our coffee mugs!) Our diets should be full of colorful fruits and vegetables as well as healthy proteins.

In terms of diets, there are lots of great options out there and plenty of information (plus some amazing recipes) available at no cost to you. I encourage you to do some exploring to find what works well for you. Clean Eating, Paleo, Whole30 (based on Paleo), and the Keto Diet are some reputable ones that I would recommend as starting points.

Get up and move. Most of us sit in the same spot all day, every day. We sit at desks, in front of computers, and barely get up to move unless we’re compelled because nature calls. I know it may seem like just another thing to fit into your already tight schedule, but finding time to move each day is important, not just for our bodies, but for our souls (or whatever you call that inner part of yourself that feels deeply satisfied when you do something that’s truly nourishing or fulfilling).

It’s important for us to see outside of our office walls, beyond our computer and phone screens (this totally includes late night binging!). Make a commitment to yourself to spend some time being active each week. It doesn’t have to be something you hate – if you don’t like running, consider doing some yoga, or go kayaking, or go for a scenic walk (or – hey, why not have sex?!) .

Bottom line: Find something you love, that makes you feel good, and get active — it will be so worth it!

Final Thoughts

I know there’s a lot of suggestions here and the last the thing I want for you is to leave this post feeling even more overwhelmed than you already do. I recommend choosing 1-2 things from this list to start working on immediately and then, over time you can work toward integrating more things into your own life.

Choose to start with things that get you excited (like finding a restorative outlet or getting active) as you will be much more likely to actually stick with them. Set realistic goals for yourself like trying to get enough sleep at least 2 nights a week.

Whatever the case, recognize that no one is perfect and it’s okay if you don’t achieve your goals on the first attempt. Don’t let this defeat you – instead, have some self-compassion and commit to giving your best effort again next week.

I welcome you to post your personal goals in the comments section below. All my best to you as you start this journey!

References

HelpGuide.org. Burnout prevention and treatment: Techniques for dealing with overwhelming stress. Trusted guide to mental and emotional health. Retrieved September 18, 2018, from https://www.helpguide.org/articles/stress/burnout-prevention-and-recovery.htm

Mind Tools Content Team. Recovering from burnout: Recovering passion for your role again. MindTools. Retrieved September 18, 2018, from https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/recovering-from-burnout.htm

Tartakovsky, M. (2018). 5 ways to cope with burnout. PsychCentral. Retrieved September 18, 2018, from https://psychcentral.com/blog/5-ways-to-cope-with-burnout/

Photo Credits (in order of appearance)

Female head from behind, Photo by Volkan Olmez on Unsplash
Camp Fire, Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash
Path in the Woods, Photo by Me 🙂
Fruit Tree Harvest, Photo by Brooke Lark on Unsplash

Whole Leader

Tag: self-help

The Truth About Self-Destruction

Productive Procrastination: I’m Doing It Right Now

Learning to Love Your Journey

Are You Feeling the Burn[out]?

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