How to be a Better Communicator (a.k.a. Listener)

So often, we actually stop listening before the speaker has even finished sharing their thoughts. We’re always a few steps ahead; predicting, planning our next steps, preparing a response, or allowing our minds to wander to other (perhaps more pressing) thoughts.

Learning to be a good listener is fundamental to becoming a good communicator. Research suggests that people who are good at listening tend to be more successful in their careers and experience better relationships. Yet most people are not very good at listening. Why is that?

Well for one thing, we don’t really practice listening and we definitely don’t emphasize it in education (have you ever seen a class on listening?). While listening is the very first communication skill we learn as children, parents and teachers tend to prioritize the development of speaking, reading, and writing skills over listening.

This may have something to do with culture as our society tends to value the ability to articulate our individual thoughts and ideas more than openness toward or acceptance of ideas that are different from our own.

Listening it something I’ve been studying for years. In fact, my undergraduate degree is in Organizational Communication and I’ve taught an interpersonal skills course several times. So in preparation for today’s post, I even dusted off a couple of my old textbooks to brush up a bit. 🙂

Based on my own experiences and the opinions of a few experts, here are some of the best practices for becoming better listeners:

Listen beyond just hearing. Hearing is the physical process of sound entering our ears and being processed by the brain. We hear many things throughout the day, but we only choose to listen to some of those messages. Listening, on the other hand, is a voluntary process that requires our attention and energy.

Think back to your college classes – did you tend to retain information better when you were actively paying attention and taking notes, or when you were distracted – perhaps talking with a neighbor or doodling in your notebook? We all know the answer to this question – listening takes intention and it requires our full attention (so put your phone down!).

Actually pay attention to what’s being said. The most common issue we face in effective listening is our failure to block out distractions. It tends to be harder than we might think given all of the stimuli that surrounds us. Of course our phones are a major distraction, but things like background noise or even personal stress can act to deter us from giving our full attention as well. We all know what it feels like when someone is distracted from listening to us and it’s not fun, so let’s commit to minimizing barriers when possible.

Barriers may be environmental (like background noise or televisions on the wall or people walking by or phone notifications popping up), physiological (like when our minds start to wander or when we have a cold which impacts our ability to hear well), or psychological (like when we have a poor attitude about what’s being said or we disagree with the message).

Again, it takes intention to block out distractions so be thoughtful about where you meet people or even the time of day. For instance, trying to have a conversation when we’re hungry or tired could impact our ability to focus. When possible, meet in a quiet space. Try to minimize distractions by, perhaps, closing the door or playing soft background music without words.

You know when you are most alert and productive during your day, so consider scheduling meetings for times of the day when you feel the best. For me, this tends to be mid-morning and mid-afternoon (which is when I schedule almost all of my meetings).

Don’t anticipate what’s next. A lot of us have this bad habit of anticipating what someone is going to say next, so we stop listening. Or worse, we start strategizing what we’re going to say in response, before they’re even done talking. Stop anticipating what’s next and actually listen with an open mind to what is being said.

Sometimes, people will surprise us. Sometimes, we will be wrong. And sometimes, we may actually learn something new or change the way we think as a result of what we hear. There is no shame in taking a second to process what we’ve heard and to gather our thoughts in order to prepare a response – so there’s no need to rush. And sometime, silence is a good thing because every now and then, the speaker will open up without any prompting at all.

Slow down and really listen.

Be aware of the whole message. Between 75% and 90% of the information we gather from others is attained through nonverbal communication. This means that while the actual words are incredibly important, understanding the meaning beyond those words is also necessary.

Be observant of things like body language, inflection, and tone which provide clues to the real meaning of the message.  Is the speaker being sarcastic? Are they communicating frustration? Are they attempting to deflect blame or guilt by minimizing a request?

If you’re not sure, ask! Simply asking can provide us with the additional information that tells us the true meaning of the message. Beyond this, it shows that we are really listening and engaging in the conversation at hand. Try something like, “Are you sure you’re okay? I hear you saying that you are, but your body language and tone seem to say that you’re not actually okay.” Sometimes a caring and empathetic voice is all a person needs to open up a little.

Evaluate what you hear with open-mindedness.  Part of listening is not simply accepting the words we hear, but considering how they resonate with what we know from our own life experiences. Recognize that we all have different experiences which have shaped our individual perceptions of the world.

While you may not agree with someone’s message (which is completely okay!), keep in mind that your goal should be to connect with the speaker’s underlying emotion or attitude about the content. Even if you don’t agree with the speaker’s point, you can likely understand their emotion. Something as simple as, “I can see why that would be frustrating,” can provide a sense of support and understanding.

Keep in mind also that the speaker may not want or expect you to respond to what they’re saying with a solution. Sometimes, people just need to feel like they’re being heard, like they have a voice. A good way to check this is to simply ask, “How can I help or support you?” or “Do you want to strategize possible solutions?”

Provide feedback with acceptance and positivity. In responding, it is best to avoid challenging an individual’s intelligence or honesty. Such approaches are personal attacks and will almost certainly be met defensively. Instead, good feedback should be immediate, honest, and supportive.

We can show that we are engaged and responsive by making eye contact, showing the appropriate facial expressions (like smiling or frowning), gesturing with our head movements (like nodding), providing touch when appropriate (like touching one’s arm to provide comfort), or giving verbal affirmations (like simply encouraging the speaker to continue or checking to ensure we understand their meaning). Paraphrasing can also demonstrate empathetic listening.

Being empathetic or supportive doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t disagree with the speaker’s message if we don’t agree – quite the contrary. In working with students, there were a few instances in which I disagreed with their line of thinking (e.g., what’s fair or not fair). However, we have the ability to articulate our perspective without attacking the speaker.

One good approach might be looking at facts or evidence. In my experiences, this generally involved looking at things like how many days a student had missed and/or how many assignments they hadn’t submitted. This could involve providing specific personal examples or citing current (reliable) news articles. Whatever the case, focus on the content of the message itself, not the speaker.

Final Thoughts

Being intentional in listening starts with thoughtful planning to minimize distractions and to actually be prepared to listen.

It takes work to listen and understand the real meaning of the message. If you’re not sure that you’re really getting it – just ask! It’s much more authentic than pretending to understand or just tuning out altogether.

Empathy is an important component to listening. Focus on connecting with the emotion of the speaker and look for opportunities to be supportive when appropriate.


Arntson, A. (2017). Most of us are bad listeners – Here are some small ways to fix that. Verily. Retrieved December 4, 2018, from

Fritz, S., Brown, F. W., Lunde, J. P., & Banset, E. A. (2005). Interpersonal skills for leadership (2nd ed.). Upper Saddle River, NJ: Pearson Education, Inc.

Henderson, N. (2018). How to be a better listener: Fixing 5 common bad habits. Welltuned. Retrieved December 4, 2018, from

Trenholm, S. (2008). Thinking through communication: An introduction to the study of human communication (5th ed.). Boston, MA: Pearson Education, Inc.

Wong, K. (2017). How to be an excellent (or at least pretty good) listener. The Cut. Retrieved December 4, 2018, from

Photo Credits (in order of appearance)

  1. Boy screaming, Photo by Jason Rosewell on Unsplash
  2. Fashion’s untold stories, Photo by Clem Onojeghuo on Unsplash
  3. Coffee talks, Photo by Joshua Ness on Unsplash
  4. Leaning on each other, Photo by Shamim Nakhaei on Unsplash

The Truth About Self-Destruction

I have to admit that this has probably been the most difficult post for me to write to date. For me, the topic of self-destruction hits really close to home. I feel like this entire past week, I’ve been challenged to look myself in the mirror and consider the ways in which I am and have been self-destructive.

Before we delve into this conversation, I want to be very clear in stating that I am not a trained mental health care professional and I can only speak from my own experiences. In developing today’s discussion, I’ve selected sources which I believe to be the most credible and to contain the most helpful information about this topic.

On that note, I want to offer a word of caution if you plan to do additional research on this topic as there are many articles out there which I feel offer incomplete or oversimplified and even potentially harmful information about this very complex topic.

Really, it’s impossible to expect that a single blog post could provide a comprehensive discussion of everything there is to know about self-destruction. So to that end, I would encourage you to read more about this topic herehere, here, and here. These articles will be a good start to understanding this topic – for yourself or perhaps for a loved one who has self-destructive tendencies.

Some of you may be wondering what it means to be self-destructive or you may be asking if you are self-destructive. Nearly any behavior can become self-destructive when it has the potential to cause us harm.

Some of the most common self-destructive behaviors include:

  • Drug or alcohol abuse
  • Compulsive gambling
  • Over eating (and under eating)
  • Sabotaging relationships
  • Engaging in frequent casual sex
  • Committing self-harm
  • Smoking

The list goes on and on. Even things that sometimes appear “healthy” on the surface can become destructive – like dieting (e.g., under eating), over exercising, unnecessary self-sacrifice (e.g., which result in giving up on your own goals), or being overly independent (e.g., refusing to ask for or accept help).

Have you ever done something and then asked yourself why you did it because it seemed irrational afterwards? For example, I can think of at least a few people I know who feared that their relationship with a significant other was about to end and then they caused a huge fight with that person. Almost inevitably the relationship ended as a result. Why do we sometimes sabotage ourselves like that?

Do you know someone who seems to have a skill for making a bad situation worse? Or maybe you are that person? *raises hand* In reality,we probably all know someone who struggles with self-destructive behaviors. We see them do the same things over and over again which have damaging effects on nearly every aspect of their lives and result in disappointment and failure.

Self-sabotage or self-destruction is not a rational behavior. In fact, for the most part, we tend to know it’s a bad idea when we’re doing it. We know it’s probably going to cause us (or possibly others) harm in the long run, but we go ahead and do it anyway. Sometimes, it feels like it’s impossible to stop doing whatever it is.

In this case, logic doesn’t really work because we already know that logically, this is a bad idea. Whether you believe you may have some self-destructive tendencies or you have a loved one who is self-destructive, I think you will find the information provided in today’s post to be helpful.

I’m going to break this discussion into two major parts. First, to understand why we do this and second, to understand what we can do about. Awareness is key here because once we’re down the path of self-sabotage, it’s pretty hard to pull ourselves back. Prevention and self-care are the best tools to help us manage our self-destructive tendencies, but I’ll talk more about that later.

Part 1: Why do we do this?

Self-destruction is not an indication of someone who is broken or defective. It can be easy to fall into the trap of assuming that we must have something ‘wrong’ with us – an addictive personality type or some other disorder that compels us to be this way. However, that’s simply not true. There are many intelligent, successful people who struggle with self-destructive behaviors. (And chances are, you know some of them.)

Self-destruction is not driven by a desire to suffer or fail. Some therapists have made this claim, but that line of thinking is outdated and completely unsupported. Additionally, when we blame ourselves and begin to believe that we are simply bad people, or that we are incapable of making the right decisions, we tend to exacerbate the situation. We create a greater sense of stress (and perhaps even guilt) and continue to behave in the same way because we have failed to understand the true cause of our self-destruction.

Self-destructive behaviors provide a sense of relief. Despite the fact that some self-destructive behaviors  seem rather unpleasant (e.g., self-harm), they share the commonality of providing a sense of relief for their actors. This relief may come through pleasure or distraction or escape or as a means of expressing emotion. Certainly, what provides a sense of relief for one person will not be the same for another. Yet, the most important thing to understand here is that the behavior is something that feels helpful in the moment, but is actually harmful over time.

Self-destruction is a coping mechanism. In the simplest terms, individuals seek relief through self-destructive behaviors because they are attempting to cope with overwhelming negative emotion. The behavior itself allows them to “turn off” the emotion even if it’s just temporary. While individuals who act self-destructively are actually very diverse, Wupperman (2018) notes that they tend to share these common characteristics:

  • Experiencing emotion more strongly than others
  • Growing up in an adverse or invalidating environment

It’s important to note that this is a great oversimplification and may not apply to every person in every situation. Again, I encourage you to learn more about this topic by seeking out qualified individuals and credible resources.

Part 2: What can we do about it?

If we understand the underlying cause for our behavior, we gain awareness to better address our self-destructive tendencies. While we will always encounter unexpected events which trigger negative emotional responses (like the death of a loved one, going through a breakup or divorce, the loss of a job, and so on), we have the opportunity to better prepare ourselves for these experiences through self-care and planning.

In a moment, we’ll get to some practical and hopefully meaningful approaches for learning how to overcome (or prevent) our self-destructive behaviors, but first I want to address what doesn’t work (because there’s a lot of poor – and just plain incorrect – information out there).

Shaming doesn’t work. Telling someone they’re going to die, or destroy their life, or whatever other consequences you can think up, by continuing their behavior will not help them stop committing that behavior. In fact, it may very well have the opposite effect because the desire and pressure for relief will likely increase. And worse, it may also alienate you from this person.

This is why the idea of letting a person hit ‘rock bottom,’ or tearing them down to build them up, or posting embarrassing pictures of them (like the ones where an obese person has a heaping plate of food in front of them) tend not to work (as in, almost never). If we acknowledge that the self-destructive behavior is being committed in order to “turn off” negative emotion, we can begin to understand why shaming simply doesn’t work.

Distraction from or avoidance of the emotion doesn’t work. You may have heard people say things like, “You just need to find a hobby to distract you from doing (whatever your destructive behavior is)” Remember earlier when I said that virtually any behavior has the potential to become self-destructive? That’s because even if you give up smoking for say snacking, you’re only exchanging one self-destructive behavior for another potentially self-destructive behavior. Substituting doesn’t work because ultimately we’re still avoiding the emotion and that’s what got us here in the first place.

This is particularly dangerous because avoidance of our emotions accumulates over time. It’s not that the emotion ever goes away when we ignore it. In reality it builds much like steam in a pressure cooker. The more we ignore our emotions, the more steam we add to the pressure cooker, until one day we simply can’t hold it in and it explodes (think mid-life crisis, nervous breakdown, etc.). We have to learn healthy ways to feel and cope with our emotions without always needing to escape from them.

The following paragraphs will include some of these healthier ways to cope with our emotions.

Stay present with the emotion. Instead of ignoring or attempting to distract ourselves from our emotions, recognize them for what they are; be mindful of them. Name them, acknowledge them, and address them with curiosity. You may find that you’re feeling particularly anxious and ask yourself why you might be feeling that way. Oftentimes, our emotional responses are justified by something that is occurring in our lives (either internally or externally). It’s okay to feel sad, or angry, or frustrated, or anxious.

Acknowledging that you feel down doesn’t mean that you are in any way failing – quite the contrary, emotional experiences are a normal part of life! When we acknowledge our emotions and allow ourselves to feel without judgement, we can be empowered to move forward. Remember, the emotion is temporary and it will pass. The key is not to let these emotions impede our ability to continue living – we can coexist with our emotions, acknowledging that they are present (and uncomfortable), but that we will still persevere despite them.

Seek support and assistance from others. Finding a qualified mental health care professional can be invaluable. I want to make a point here that terms like “counselor” tend to be used rather loosely. If you’re seeking professional help, look for someone with the title of Certified Mental Health Counselor, Psychologist, or Psychiatrist to be sure you’re going to receive the best level of care from a trained and qualified professional.

Additionally, know that you may need to ‘try out’ a couple of different professionals before you find the right one. Finding the best mental health care professional for you is a bit like finding the right hairdresser (I think women may be able to relate to this example a bit better than men, but hopefully you will still get the idea). If you don’t find that you have a good connection with the first provider you meet, don’t get discouraged – simply make an appointment with someone else and try again (then repeat this until you find the right fit).

Ultimately, your ideal mental health professional will be someone who is able to provide help and support without judgement.

Practice self-compassion. Instead of beating ourselves up when we feel the need to behave self-destructively, it’s important to remind ourselves that we are doing the best we can in this moment. Practice positive self-talk like, “I know I can do this if I put my mind to it.” This is something that tends to be difficult for most people, so it may be helpful to think of what you would tell a friend in the same situation and then compassionately say those words to yourself.

When we experience negative emotions, it can also be helpful to practice self-soothing behaviors. Try listening to some calming music or taking a bubble bath or playing with a pet or going for a walk. When you find that it’s difficult to focus, taking a break to relax can be so much more productive than forcing ourselves to push through it – show yourself a little grace, you deserve it.

Find creative outlets to express emotion. Drawing, painting, dancing, playing an instrument, writing music or poetry, journaling, or any other practice that allows for creativity can be highly productive outlets for expressing our emotions.

In many ways, doing so allows us to explore our emotion with some curiosity and to face it, rather than ignore it. We don’t have to be ‘good’ at any of these art forms and it doesn’t have to be pretty (more than likely, it will result in something ugly and that’s okay). The point of this expression is that in some way, we are able let the emotion out – it’s a means of processing our feelings, and it can be very cathartic.

Learn to let go. Letting go of the past is so much easier said than done – I know. Forgiveness for ourselves and those who have hurt us can be incredibly freeing, however. You don’t even need to tell someone you’re forgiving them, you can simply have the intention and then commit to doing it. And, you can do the same in order to forgive yourself. You may even practice reciting a mantra such as, “I am worthy of compassion” to help you do this.

One activity which has been helpful for me in the past was writing a letter to someone who hurt me which said everything I wished I could say to them (all of the good, the bad, and the ugly). Afterwards, I buried the letter as a symbol of letting those things go; putting some sort of closure on the past and committing to moving forward.

Final Thoughts

You may have noticed that while I mentioned I have some self-destructive tendencies, I didn’t actually name them. I was extremely purposeful in writing this week’s post and I intentionally left this out because quite frankly, it’s not important.

Additionally, as I’ve mentioned in others posts, I don’t think it’s healthy for us to compare ourselves to others because it sets us up to think in terms of ‘better than’ or ‘worse than’ which is unproductive and damaging. One of the best things we can do for ourselves is to simply recognize ourselves for who we are as individuals and show some grace for the areas where we have room for growth.

Whether you read this post in an effort to find some help for yourself or for someone else, I hope you will walk away knowing that you are not alone. So many people struggle with self-destructive behaviors. Remember that our negative emotions will pass with time and that there are many healthy ways to practice coping.

If you have any questions or comments, I encourage you to post them below or to send me a private email.

All my best to you,



Babauta, L. (2014). A guide to changing self-destructive behaviors. Zen Habits. Retrieved November 30, 2018, from

Hathaway, K. (Ed.) (2016). Dealing with negativity. University of Minnesota. Retrieved November 30, 2018, from

Neuman, F. (2017). Why do some people do self-destructive things? Psychology Today. Retrieved November 21, 2018, from

Rollin, J. (2018).What if you changed the way that you view self-destructive behaviors? The Eating Disorder Center. Retrieved November 21, 2018, from

Wupperman, P. (2018). Beyond self-destructive behavior. Psychology Today. Retrieved November 21, 2018, from

Photos (in order of appearance)

  1. Don’t give up, Photo by taha ajmi on Unsplash
  2. Cry, Photo by Luis Galvez on Unsplash
  3. Naufragus, Photo by Ian Espinosa on Unsplash
  4. Stories: Ch. 1, Photo by Sydney Sims on Unsplash

Get Your Grit On

Over the past 2 years, I’ve been working toward achieving a fitness goal of reducing my body fat to 17%. When I started this journey in November of 2016, my body fat was at 29.7%. Last week, I finally achieved my goal and I’ve been thinking a lot about all of the hard work and time I’ve invested in making this goal.

It wasn’t easy. In fact, I had a nasty shoulder injury that prevented me from doing much of any lifting last winter. (Plus, I developed a pretty lousy attitude for a while and gained some weight back as a result.) Today, I’m still learning to cope with my SLAP tear and I continue to make time to get to the gym on a regular basis.

I wanted to dedicate today’s topic to grit because I think it’s a really important ingredient in helping us achieve our goals. While grit isn’t the only factor that determines success, I fully believe it’s a necessary one.

According to Angela Duckworth, a professor at the University of Pennsylvania, grit is even more important than intelligence and skills in predicting individual success. It’s the combination of passion and persistence over time that really sets people apart — those who reach their goals and those who don’t.

Want to find out how gritty you are? You can take the grit scale for your individual score. If your score isn’t what you had hoped today, there’s great news because Duckworth believes (and I agree with her) that everyone has the potential to improve their grittiness if they have the desire to do so.

Why should you care? Because gritty people tend to be more successful and happier with the circumstances of their lives. And couldn’t we all benefit from those things?

Here’s how to grow your grit:

Set a goal and stick to it. Simply setting a goal isn’t enough to work on developing your grit and it won’t work for just any old goal. This goal needs to be something in which you have a genuine interest and it needs to be personally meaningful to you. These components are important because they are what define passion and grit has everything to do with passion that drives us forward over time.


It could be a goal related to your health (like mine) or it may be a goal for your career or education or any other meaningful goal. It should be something that will take some time (probably several months or even years) and will give you a sense of purpose. Chances are, you already have a goal that you’re working towards, but it’s important to actually articulate that goal and to start thinking about the actions you will need to take in order to reach it.

Avoid getting sidetracked. It can be easy to get deterred by new interests or goals. While we will always have things to balance in our lives (like time with our families, work assignments, hobbies, etc.), it’s important to set our focus on what’s most important and commit to staying on course towards our overarching goal. Some things that can help us do this include:

Setting benchmarks along the way. If your long term goal is Z, then think through the required steps A, B, C, and so on to get you to goal Z. These are short term goals or bench marks that will help keep you on track along the way. Once you have a list of short term goals, you can create a timeline.

For instance, if your goal is to buy a house in 5 years, you need to figure out how much money you will need to save for a down payment. Let’s say you want to put $20,000 down. That means you need to save $4,000 per year and approximately $333 each month. If you get paid biweekly, you will need to designate $167 from each paycheck in order to reach your goal in 5 years.

It’s relatively easy to do this with numbers, but you can actually break down any big goal into smaller measurable goals (if you’re really stumped, feel free to write me a note in the comments section below and I will do my best to offer some suggestions).

Checking your progress regularly. If you’ve created a detailed timeline with bench marks, it will be easy to check your progress. It’s best to make this a regular habit so that it’s at the forefront of our minds. I would recommend checking in on a weekly basis (if possible) to see if you’re making the progress you had hoped.

If not, consider if this is something you can change. For instance, okay- I didn’t do all that well this week, but I will definitely do better next week because I’m going to commit to doing (whatever you need to do to make next week’s goal). Or, it may be that you’ve made your short term goals a bit too difficult and you may need to adjust (extend) your timeline to make these goals more achievable.

Seeing your goal through to the end. Don’t’ despair if you need to make adjustments or changes to your goals along the way. This is a normal part of the process and it does not indicate your success or failure. Sometimes, we will find that our long-term goal has evolved or that it is simply not possible because of new circumstance. In these cases, we can revise our long-term goal as needed. Then, repeat the process of creating benchmarks and a timeline.

Remember, grit is indicated by passion and persistence over time which means your commitment is what really counts – not how quickly you achieve your goal or how few times you adjust your goal or that you envision exactly the same outcome throughout the process. In fact, your goal will almost certainly be impacted by unforeseen circumstances because that’s how real life is – unpredictable.

Don’t be discouraged by setbacks. Resilience is perhaps the most important characteristic of grittiness. Acknowledging that setbacks and challenges are likely to occur can help us be more adaptable and readily able to navigate them when they occur. Instead of viewing setbacks as failures, we can recognize them as learning opportunities. In fact, they are normal and necessary to our personal growth and development – it’s literally how we learn. (e.g., “Well that didn’t work, so now I’m going to try this approach instead.”).


When we face setbacks, it’s best to take a step back and look at the big picture. Think about what needs to change in order for progress to occur. And sometimes, we may need to actually give up a goal. For instance, if continuing to pursue it would be detrimental as in continuing to pour money into a failed business venture. Or if we’ve decided that this is no longer a goal worth pursuing. This could occur when choosing to make a major career change, for example.

Even in such cases, we can immediately begin recreating a revised long term goal. Just because we abandon one goal, doesn’t mean we’re not still working towards something.

Be diligent and hardworking. Maybe these seem obvious, but actually being dedicated to our goals and putting in the quality of work required to achieve them are just as important as the rest of the process. It isn’t enough to simply set goals and then hope we make them.

We have to set ourselves up for success by committing to do the work. This may mean carving out time to work on our goals each day or each week (like actually putting it on your calendar). It may mean that we need to go talk to others who have already achieved similar goals to find out how they did it. Whatever the case, taking action is absolutely required – and it’s often the hardest step.


Take some time to consider how you can help ensure you will actually do what you need to do. Having accountability in some way can be particularly meaningful. I did this by working out two times a week with a trainer. Not only did this help me meet my goals, it ensured that at least twice each week I would physically be at the gym to workout.

Find a gritty mentor. Finding a mentor can be extremely worthwhile. According to Duckworth, mentors should provide both challenge and support. Without both of these components, we are likely to become discouraged or complacent. For example, if my trainer always told me I could do better and never praised my progress, I would quickly become frustrated. In the same way, if my trainer never challenged me to try harder and always just told me how awesome I am, I would quickly lose motivation to work harder.

Your mentor can be pretty much anyone – a colleague, a friend, a family member. He or she should be a gritty person as well which is indicated by their passion and persistence to a long-term goal. Generally, highly successful people are gritty, so try to find someone you view as successful and who will provide both challenge and support for you.

Final Thoughts

Grit is something that tends to change over time based on the circumstances of our lives and our focused effort at a given time. Recognize that it’s okay to be a work-in-progress – really, we all are. 🙂 It’s about practicing in order to grow your personal grittiness.

You can read a lot more about grit from leading expert, Angela Duckworth, in her book: Grit

I would love to hear about your own meaningful long-term goals and welcome you to share them (or any other questions or comments) in the comments section below.


Belli, G. (2018). How to develop grit. PayScale. Retrieved November 16, 2018, from

Duckworth, A. (2018). Q&A. Angela Duckworth.

Koehn, N. (2018). Resilience won’t just be there when you need it. You have to train it. Big Think. Retrieved November 16, 2018, from

Lebowitz, S. (2016). A UPenn psychologist says ‘grit’ is key to success in life – here’s how to become a grittier person. Business Insider. Retrieved November 16, 2018, from

Photo Credits (in order of appearance)

  1. Top of the Morning, Photo by Francisco Gonzalez on Unsplash
  2. Planner and coffee, Photo by Anete Lūsiņa on Unsplash
  3. Woman, Photo by Soragrit Wongsa on Unsplash
  4. Climbing, Photo by Tommy Lisbin on Unsplash

How to Avoid Burning Bridges

Just last week I had a chance encounter with a former employer (who I should note I sincerely enjoyed working for). She was clearly as delighted as I by the meeting and readily offered to rehire me in her new role which allows her to oversee a significantly larger region than previously.

While I haven’t yet decided if I’m going to pursue her offer, the exchange was a great reminder of how important it is not to burn bridges when we leave an employer (because you never know if you may be working with them again in the future, if for no other reason!).

I also thought this would make an excellent follow up post to last week’s discussion of Networking Strategies, because creating connections is only a small part of building your network — it’s also important to both maintain those relationships and to avoid damaging them (aka burning bridges) whenever possible.

Here are some of my best tips for how to avoid burning bridges when you leave an employer:

Keep it professional. Pretty much everyone I know has had a ‘bad boss’ at some point in their career. And if you have been fortunate enough to escape this experience, consider yourself lucky.  (Total side note: I’m actually doing research with some colleagues about abusive supervisors and what makes people continue to work for them despite their bad behavior. — IT. IS. SO. FASCINATING. And, I would love to geek out with you if you ever want to talk more about this. 🙂 )

If you’re among the majority, there’s a chance you’ve even fantasized about resigning and telling your boss just how much you have hated working for him or her. And then you probably envisioned you would storm out of their office and skip merrily away into the sunset, right? While I absolutely see the appeal, I’m going to caution you against making things personal (even though you may have completely real and legitimate reasons) when leaving your job.


Instead, try to focus on what you’re gaining professionally by moving into your new position. For instance, your new employment may provide opportunities for upward mobility that aren’t available within your current organization. Or, it may offer more flexible working hours, or the option to work from home — which could be especially important if you’re planning to go back to school. Or, it may just be that changing employers will provide you with an immediate pay increase and/or a better benefits package. These are all completely respectable reasons for leaving a job and will likely leave your employer with a more positive impression of you (than in the previous scenario).

In addition to focusing on your professional goals and opportunities, it’s important to give adequate notice of your intent to resign. Don’t leave your employer in a difficult situation by telling them today is your last day. And please, do not tell them you are quitting in a text (this is the social equivalent of breaking up with someone via text and it is totally not okay – in either case!). Instead, provide a formal resignation letter and give at least 2 weeks’ notice. Keep your letter brief and to the point and avoid venting your personal grievances. If your employer offers an exit interview, you may choose to address any issues at that time (or you might consider bringing your concerns to your employer’s attention before you resign so that they actually have an opportunity to do something about it).

Express your gratitude. Has anyone helped you along the way while at your current place of employment? The answer is almost definitely a resounding yes! So, say thank you to those who helped train you, mentor you, assisted you, covered for you when you were gone, and so on. Also, consider thanking your boss or supervisor, especially if you’ve developed a good working relationship with this person. It’s not all that common to actually like the people you work with (sadly), so if the culture of your workplace has rocked, you should make a point of letting those people know!

Saying thank you doesn’t have to be elaborate — You could take some of your colleagues to lunch or maybe throw a small farewell event after hours. A simple handwritten note can also go a long way. You could send a basket of fruit, or flowers, or bring homemade cookies to your office. It doesn’t have to be much, but taking the time to actually show your gratitude can have a huge impact. And honestly, people have a tendency to sort of light up when you let them know how much you’ve enjoyed working with them – which can be so gratifying to witness (because of all the good feels)!


Assist with the transition. It  can be hard to find an adequate replacement (especially if you’re really good at what you do!). You can help make the transition smoother for your colleagues and all others involved by assisting in this process. Your employer may even invite you to help interview potential candidates (which really, who better than you to help find your replacement – you know exactly what this job takes!). If possible, you could offer to assist with training or other transitional procedures.

It’s also a good idea to tie up any loose ends prior to your last day. For example, you may want to let your clients know you’re leaving and introduce them to a colleague who will be available to assist them during the interim. Be sure to delegate any incomplete work and give colleagues a status update for any ongoing work – including important upcoming deadlines they should know about.

If it’s possible and you’re willing, it’s also good practice to make yourself available after leaving (at least for a short period) to answer questions (like sharing the password to an account that may need to be accessed after you leave). It may not be ideal, but I just think it’s best not to be a jerk to people, especially if it really doesn’t take much effort on your part (like answering a quick question over the phone).

I hope it goes without saying, but part of helping with this transitional process also means not checking out early. It’s easy to get a sort of  “senior-itis”  when you’re nearing the end of your term and getting all pumped up to start that new position.  Remember, your colleagues aren’t leaving for a new and exciting opportunity – they’re staying behind after you leave. So pay them the common courtesy of doing your job and remaining present until you’re actually done.

Avoid badmouthing. You may not like everyone you’ve ever worked with, but badmouthing them or your organization is simply in poor taste. It will not impress your new employer to talk about all of the faults of your previous boss or to list all of the problems within your former organization (in fact, it may do exactly the opposite and cause them to take pause in hiring you).

You definitely can and should use your knowledge and previous experiences to help you in your new role. However, doing so likely won’t require you to provide detailed explanations that could be potentially embarrassing or even damaging for others. In general, I think it’s best to keep those stories to yourself.

If you happen to be in a position where sharing these experiences (e.g., cautionary tales) could actually be valuable to others and provide teachable moments – like as an educator – you can still do so without causing harm. Simply removing the names of actual people, places, organizations, etc. can make your stories totally shareable without the risk of badmouthing. This is something I frequently did as an instructor when sharing  my own experiences to help protect the identity of individuals (and because it wasn’t at all important to the lesson I was teaching).

Respect your former employer. If you worked with a team of people you just loved because they were amazing and innovative individuals (like many of the people I’ve worked with), you may be tempted to entice them to move with you to your new organization. While you may truly have their best interest at heart, realize that poaching your colleagues from your former employer is not a very good practice and it will probably be noticed.

Allow for adequate time to pass after you’ve started your new position before contacting former colleagues about potential opportunities with your new employer. Also, be aware that doing so is likely to get back to other former colleagues who may be hurt that you didn’t think of them!

I generally think a better practice is to offer information only when it is requested. If your former colleagues see that the move you made was an awesome decision for you, they’re likely to ask you about potential opportunities for employment and that’s an excellent invitation to share this information without coming across as pushy or threatening. I also think it just shows that you have enough respect for your previous organization not (attempt) to steal employees away from them.


Final Thoughts

I love the bridge metaphor because ‘burning a bridge’ means you won’t have the option of crossing it again in the future – it’s simply gone. However, working to maintain the bridges you’ve created will allow you to keep them open for potential opportunities down the road.

Most of the practices I’ve mentioned have a lot to do with common courtesy and professionalism. If you place your focus on these, I think you will find that your resignation will be better received by those you’re leaving.

Remember, your boss and colleagues are human beings (even if they’re not always you’re favorite people to work with). If you show them respect, it is more likely to be reciprocated.



Kleiman, J. & Hedges, K. (2011). How to avoid burning bridges in the workplace. Forbes. Retrieved November 8, 2018, from

Rasmussen, D. (2015). 6 ways to avoid burning bridges by leaving a job. Work It Daily. Retrieved November 5, 2018, from

Team Synergis. (2018). How to avoid burning bridges. Synergis. Retrieved November 5, 2018, from

Photo Credits (in order of appearance)

  1. Bridge, Photo by Matthew Ronder-Seid on Unsplash
  2. Ready, Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash
  3. Typewriter and hands, Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash
  4. Rope Bridge, Photo by Michel Paz on Unsplash

Networking Strategies

I just returned from the International Leadership Association’s (ILA) Annual Global Conference in West Palm Beach, Florida (which I would highly recommend visiting if you ever have the chance) and I thought this would be a great time to talk about strategies for networking. Even if you don’t attend professional conferences, I think you are likely to find some value and applicability within virtually any industry. In fact, I find it difficult to think of anyone, in any profession, who couldn’t benefit (at least a little) from expanding their network.

Let me start by saying that I’ve talked to a few friends and colleagues who have this perception about networking that makes it seem like it’s this undesirable thing to do — as if it’s something to be ashamed of or something that others may find annoying. So, I’m just going to clearly state that you should absolutely take pride in your networking abilities and in no way feel ashamed.

Because really, networking is all about making connections that can be mutually beneficial. People actually want you to network with them. Plus, you can take some comfort in knowing that when people attend conferences, everyone is essentially there for the same reason — to geek out with other nerds about the awesome stuff we get to study (what else?!)!!

If you do a quick search of the word ‘networking’ online, you’ll quickly find that there are a lot of articles with a lot of different advice (sometimes even conflicting) – which can make it difficult to know which approaches are best. Today, I’m going to talk about what’s worked well for me and I’m even going to discuss some things to avoid. I’ll also highlight a few notes from other experts and some approaches I’m planning to try out in the future.

Be engaged. I know you have a million other things going on in your life and you’re taking time away from work to attend this conference — and wouldn’t this be an awesome opportunity to get caught up on a few things while you’re away from the office?? But please, resist the urge and commit to being present while you’re at the conference. It’s important – possibly the most important thing on this list.


There’s so much to be gained from listening to and learning about what others are doing in your field. I always come back from conferences feeling excited and re-energized because talking to (and learning from) others in my field helps remind me why I love what I do. It also provides opportunities to talk through challenges with my own research and to discover the new and innovative areas of research that are being explored by fellow leadership nerds.

I realize you may not feel as passionately about your own field of study or industry of work (though I hope you do!), but even if you just hang out in the common area for the majority of the conference – choose to be in the present moment, rather than somewhere else. I’ll talk more about some strategies for doing this in the following paragraphs.

Be extroverted (even if you’re not really an extrovert). This may come as a surprise to some of you, but I am a total introvert *gasp*. I just happen to be really good at pretending to be an extrovert when it’s necessary (or just because I want to). And, here’s the thing – anyone can act like an extrovert. It’s all about setting yourself up for success by ensuring that the way you connect with others is a comfortable experience (or at least as comfortable as possible). The main thing is, if you don’t make an effort to network, it probably isn’t going to just happen on its own. So, you need to be a little bit intentional in your approach. (The next three points will offer some ideas on how to do this.)

Prepare ahead of time. It’s a really good idea to look at the conference agenda ahead of time (which is provided online beforehand in most cases) and see who’s going to be there and what sessions you might like to attend. Skim the directory for your ‘celebrity crushes’ (I know they aren’t real celebrities, but in our tiny worlds of research they sometimes feel that way) and find out when they’re speaking. Then, look at topic areas of interest and make some decisions about the sessions you definitely want (or need) to attend.

A really easy way to approach a potential contact is to simply introduce yourself after they’ve presented (but wait to do so until the entire session is complete so you don’t interrupt or distract from other speakers). When I introduce myself, I usually start by sharing some things I find interesting about their research, possibly mention my own area of research (especially if it’s something similar), and exchange business cards. That’s it – it’s super short and to the point. Lately, I’ve also been asking if they’re on LinkedIn and then I let them know that they can expect to receive a connection request from me.

If there are people who you know you definitely want to meet while at the conference, consider contacting them ahead of time to arrange a set meeting time (maybe for an early breakfast). This is not something that I have typically done in the past, but I can certainly see its benefits (and plan to try it out in the future). One-on-one face time can be hard to get while at a conference because there is always so much happening and generally lots of other people who want to meet the same individuals. Keep in mind that if you’re trying to connect with someone who is a sort of celeb (because they’ve published a lot, or wrote a book (or ten), or because they are the father/mother of a particular theory), they will likely have lots of other ‘fans’ with whom you will be competing for their attention.

Create opportunities to interact.  I generally prefer to talk with one person at a time rather than trying to meet people in a large gathering. This means creating opportunities for interaction is sort of crucial for me. There are a few ways to do this. If there’s a common area (like a designated area to work or an area where there is coffee for conference goers), I will generally look for a table where one person is already working and ask if I can join them. I’ll pull out my Surface Pro and work on checking emails or pull out my program guide and browse the upcoming sessions for a bit (all things which I generally need to do anyway). If I’m getting myself coffee or a snack, I generally ask if my new table mate would like anything while I’m up.


At some point, it’s almost inevitable that the other person at the table will initiate a conversation (which I prefer because it generally signals to me that they’re at a place where they can pause what they’re doing and talk for a few minutes). They may ask how my day is going or how I’ve enjoyed the conference so far or ask what has brought me to the conference (a great opportunity to talk about your own research). In any case, this approach feels more informal and less forced to me. It seems relatively easy to carry on a cordial conversation and it’s pretty easy to check-out of the conversation (whenever you’re ready) by returning to your work or noting that you need to get to the next session.

An article by Ben Waber discussed a similar strategy that’s worked well for him. While visiting a multi-day conference, he decided he would continuously ride in a small shuttle (only holding 2-3 people) which transported individuals to sessions at the various conference locations. He did this to create opportunities to meet and interact with other conference goers in a more informal setting and limited time frame (I found it to be both clever and hilarious). He actually claims that these networking opportunities are likely more impactful and meaningful than attending the actual conference sessions – so, you shouldn’t feel badly about missing a session or two if it allows you to develop new connections with people. Though I would caution against skipping out on most of the conference (isn’t that the reason you came?).

Express interest in others. Generally speaking, people love to be admired. So, ask questions about others’ research, listen with intent (genuinely), and praise their work. I think this is where some people may miss the point of networking and start to think of it negatively. The purpose should not be to connect with others so you can get something from them. It should be to connect with others because you have something to give — remember, the idea is to create a mutually beneficial relationship.

Before you arrive at the conference, spend some time thinking about what you may have to offer. Are you interested in collaborating on a project? Have you done some relevant research or written a literature review which could be helpful? Are you interested in helping plan an event or workshop? Have you developed resources (such as surveys or lesson plans) that you would be willing to share with others? Would you consider visiting someone’s campus and/or giving a guest lecture? There are likely many things you have to offer — it may just take some creative thinking on your part to discover what those things are.

Have your elevator pitch in your back pocket. Even if you’re not actively applying for jobs, the closer you are to graduation, the more likely you are to be asked questions such as, “What’s your research about?” or “So, what’s the next step?” or “What types of jobs will you be looking for (and where)?” It’s a good idea to have some talking points in mind to avoid drawing a total blank when these questions arise. It doesn’t have to be long either, a 30-second rundown of your research can provide a lot of information.

It’s also okay to say you don’t know the answer to a question. People tend to appreciate honesty and sometimes they will offer insights that you would not otherwise have access to. I’m honestly not sure what type of job I’m going to be looking for after graduation. So at this most recent conference, I simply told people that I’m approaching the job market with an open mind and looking at potential non-academic opportunities. To my surprise, a lot of the people I met have worked outside of academia as consultants and were able share knowledge based on their experiences, both past and present. I was even presented with a couple of potential employment opportunities.

The main take-away: It pays to be honest.

Dress to impress. Every conference is a bit different in terms of how formal or casual the dress code is and the location of the venue often has an impact as well. For instance, when I was in Florida for this latest conference, I saw lots of people wearing sleeveless tops and open toe shoes, which was completely appropriate given the beach context. If you haven’t attended a particular conference in the past, you may want to ask a trusted colleague or mentor what to expect – I imagine this will vary depending on things like your specific field, the size of the conference, its location, etc.

While there are many different opinions on appropriate dress, I tend to error on the side of over-dressed rather than under-dressed. If you’re giving a formal presentation, I think you should dress professionally. This doesn’t mean you have to wear a full suit, but you should probably avoid wearing something like jeans or shorts with flip flops. On the other hand, if you’re presenting a poster during an after-hours reception, it’s likely to be a much more informal and relaxed setting, so jeans may be completely appropriate.

The most common issues I see with conference attire don’t have as much to do with the level of formality, as with the overall functionality and practicality (for lack of better terms). I’m not about to tell you that your neck line needs to be “this high” or your skirt should be “at least this long” or that you need to wear a belt with your trousers. Your clothing choices are an expression of who you are and you should wear what makes you feel the most comfortable. All I’m going to say is that you can expect to be sitting down and standing up a lot throughout any conference – you will likely go up and down stairs (multiple times) and/or use an elevator (which may or may not be made of glass so that the whole world can see in). You will probably do a ton of walking as well (so consider bringing comfortable shoes).

Additionally, if you’re presenting, there’s a very good chance that you could be asked to help move chairs, tables, the projector, or to pull down a screen (all things which have actually happened to me). I’m only telling you this (especially for women, but men can also benefit from this), so that you’re prepared and you can wear clothing that moves with you and covers what needs to be covered so that you feel 100% comfortable and confident. Literally, all I’m suggesting you do is take a few minutes while you’re packing for your trip to try on your clothes and make sure when you bend over, sit down, or raise your arms, your clothing is covering what you want it to be covering. Okay, now I’m done. 🙂

Assume you’re always being watched. I’m not saying this to be creepy or to make you feel paranoid, but I always start seeing other conference goers as soon as I make it to my connecting flight (and it’s possible you may even have colleagues on your initial flight as well). Yes, you should totally be allowed to have some fun while you’re at your conference, but keep in mind that this is not a vacation. This is a professional development opportunity and you are primarily attending for the purpose of work.

Remember to be on your best behavior. Avoid things like over-consumption of alcohol or gossiping about colleagues (or even students) when in public areas. Venting about your advisor or other conference goers is something you should save for private conversations. Honestly, I think you should even avoid it in the elevator because there’s a very good chance you could be overheard by someone who knows the person you are talking about (this actually happened to one of my colleagues).

If you really need to have a good vent session (because sometimes this happens when we’re in close proximity to the same people over an extended period of time), I would advise you to go to the privacy of your own room and call a friend or significant other who can allow you to get some things of your chest. That way, you don’t risk being overheard or saying something in the moment that you could potentially regret.

Follow up with contacts after the conference. Exchanging your business card with other professionals is a great first step to connecting with them, but there’s more you can do once you’re home to ensure you stay connected. I mentioned earlier that I typically ask individuals if they’re on LinkedIn and make a point of letting them know that I will send a request to connect. I typically wait a few days after the conference before sending connection requests and follow up emails because I realize people tend to be pretty busy when they first get back to work (although I have had people add or email me while still at the conference or even on the way home and that’s okay too).


I typically send a quick, individualized email letting contacts know that it was nice to meet them. I always think it’s a good idea to remind them of where we met (so they are more likely to recall who I am), so I might say something like, “I really enjoyed your presentation on __________ and loved chatting with you about ___________. I’m hoping we can stay in touch and possibly collaborate on a project in the future as we discussed” (or whatever you may have discussed as a potential outcome of this relationship). I often add that I’ve already sent them an add request on LinkedIn and look forward to seeing them at next year’s conference (if not before).

On occasion, I will have someone ask me to share resources with them such as teaching materials like a case study or survey (which I always find to be pretty flattering because it means other people think you have cool resources). While you are certainly never required to share resources, I often think it’s a good practice to share things (as long as it’s not something you may potentially publish) because it’s a great way to develop connections. And when you share resources, people tend to be more willing to share with you. If someone asked you to share a resource while at the conference, be sure to actually send it to them once you’re home. Additionally, if someone shares a resource with you, be sure to thank them for not only taking time out of their very busy schedule to do so, but also for their willingness to share with you.

Final Thoughts

Networking is an art that takes practice – the more you do it, the more comfortable and skilled you will become at networking.

Remember that it’s better to make a few meaningful connections than to make lots of connections with people whom you won’t actually remember (and probably won’t remember you).

Be strategic in choosing who to connect with and don’t sell yourself short or feel shame about networking — you have a lot to offer!!

If you have other networking strategies or stories to share, I would love to read about them in the comments section below!

All my best to you,




Balkhi, S. (2018). How to network like a pro at conferences. Retrieved October 29, 2018, from

Boyce, E. (2018). How to maximize networking at your next conference. Piqued Public Relations. Retrieved October 29, 2018, from

Lindau, A. G. (2018). Networking at conferences, or how to win-win at Lindau. Lindau Nobel Laureate Meetings. Retrieved October 29, 2018, from

Waber, B. (2017). This strategy for networking at conferences will work even if you’re not a natural. Quartz at Work. Retrieved October 29, 2018, from

Photo Credits (in order of appearance)

  1. Shaking hand, Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash
  2. People at office, Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash
  3. Coffee shop, Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash
  4. Computer keyboard, Photo by Kaitlyn Baker on Unsplash

Productive Procrastination: I’m Doing It Right Now

Recently in a meeting with my advisor, I found myself defending my lack of progress on my dissertation (note that I had made progress, just not on the things we had previously discussed). I admitted that, at times, I am a procrastinator. I quickly added however that despite this, I’m always able to get my work done in the end.

To my surprise (and relief), my advisor made a rather astute observation, “You and I are like closet procrastinators. People tend to think we have everything together, but don’t you dare look in that filing cabinet over there!” I laughed because she was absolutely right!

I always meet deadlines, always complete my work in a way that is the best representation of my abilities (I’m even a bit of a perfectionist), but I frequently procrastinate until the last possible minute. It’s not that I’m not working when I procrastinate. It’s not at all like I’m home binge watching Netflix all week (though the thought of it sounds pretty appealing).

It’s just that I tend to find other things that are more pressing and demand my attention in the moment (or maybe just things that I prefer to do at the time). In fact, when I’m under pressure or feeling stressed, I often feel compelled to start organizing things like a stack of mail, or the filing cabinet, or my closet, or the entire guest room! At this moment, I’m pretty sure there are some people who just read this and thought, “I’ve never felt compelled to organize anything!” and there’s some people who thought, “OMG, I thought I was the only one!” Either way, you are not alone! — Everyone experiences stress in their own way. (And, if you’re feeling particularly stressed and/or exhausted right now, I encourage you to read my previous post on burnout.)

I know that at some subconscious level, my compulsions to organize are probably a way that I can feel a sense of control over the things in my life (and I’m okay with that) – like, even if I don’t feel that I’m making any ‘real’ progress on my dissertation or have much power over when I will actually graduate because there are so many unknown variables, at least I can have a sense of power over this very small corner of my life and find some order within it. I personally find it so rewarding to have something tangible – something that I can actually look at with my own eyes and see the progress I’ve made after putting in a hard day’s work.


When I start organizing things, I also know it’s at least partly because my brain needs a break from the other work I’m doing. And to be honest, I think the truth is that I also just process things differently. I like to think about things (a lot) conceptually before I actually go about completing a task. I like to visualize the big picture – think about what the end product will be, and then I try to create a plan (essentially work backwards from the end) by filling in the steps that will get me where I want to be. In my research of today’s topic, I discovered that this is a real thing, sometimes called “mind wandering” and it’s a process that some people use to let information percolate before they actually sit down to complete a task. In many cases, it’s beneficial to let information sort of “soak in” and allow us time to form a strategy within our minds before we actually set out to do something.

Back in that same meeting with my advisor, she made this exact point – noting that while I hadn’t completed the work I had hoped to complete (she also frequently reminds me that my deadlines are mostly self-imposed, so I should stop apologizing when I don’t meet them), she knows I’ve been thinking about my work and that when I sit down to actually do it, I will be fully prepared to do so. It’s true, I really do think about my research ALL OF THE TIME – I literally dream about it some nights. It turns out, I’ve totally been embracing some “mind wandering” of my own and I didn’t even know it. (Side note: I think the reason my advisor knows all of this is that we are eerily similar in personality type, but that’s a discussion for a different day.)

Good news, people! Procrastinating can actually be a good thing and I’m going to tell you how to start making the most of your bad good awesome habit today:

Include a variety of tasks. When you create your to-do list each day, avoid putting down one large goal (like writing 20 pages) and instead give yourself multiple tasks that will require different lengths of time to complete. I find this particularly helpful when, for instance, writing is on my list (let’s be honest, it always is) and I just don’t wake up feeling like writing (because sometimes I just don’t). Instead, I might choose to work on doing the laundry, or responding to emails, or working on a presentation, or running to the store, or working out (yep, I totally put that on my to-do list).

Literally, anything you want to accomplish during your day can go on your list (there’s no judgement here, you’re the only one who has to see it!). Some of the articles I read even recommended adding things like “eat breakfast” or “have coffee” or “make my bed” to your to-do list so that by the time you actually sit down to your desk (or whatever your work space looks like), you already have a sense of accomplishment that will help keep your motivation up and your completion rate high. Not a bad idea, but I’ll let you be the one to determine the extent to which you’re going to detail the tasks of your day.

An article in The New York Times, endearingly titled “This Was Supposed to Be My Column for New Year’s Day” (and posted on Jan. 14th – so only a few days late, really), referenced the work of Dr. Steel on the art of procrastinating. My favorite line from this article is a quote from Dr. Steel which was begging to be shared with all of you, “We are willing to pursue any vile task as long as it allows us to avoid something worse.” I’m not sure if I actually agree with Dr. Steel on this because I prefer for my to-list to be compiled of things that are actually attainable (I LOVE checking off tasks), but it seems like it may be worth putting something sort of repulsive on the list to see if it motivates us to (more willingly) do everything else.

Celebrate small victories. One thing I find extremely helpful is to break large goals into smaller, more achievable ones. So, if you need to write 20 pages by the end of the week, or sign up 50 new clients, or grade 100 papers, don’t expect to complete it all in one day (be reasonable!). Instead, make your goal to write 4 pages per day, sign up 10 new customers, or grade 20 papers (I just divided the total by 5 which assumes you’re trying to complete the task in a single [work] week, but you can easily do the same for a month or a year or a decade – why the heck not?!).


Then when you achieve your goal for the day, freaking celebrate!!! Take a break and reward yourself in whatever way you choose (e.g., take a walk, have a dance party (maybe in your office), hang out with a friend, get ice cream, watch some football, make it rain confetti – I can go all day…). It’s important to remind ourselves of our successes and to celebrate them accordingly. I’ll talk a bit more about this later when I discuss why we need to stop beating ourselves up for procrastinating. Bottom line: Allow yourself to relish the moment when you accomplish a goal, you absolutely deserve it. 🙂

Be intentional. Recognize that while [productive] procrastination can be a good thing, we should consider the reason that we are choosing to procrastinate. If it’s because we actually do need more time to think about a task before we start it or just that we don’t feel like doing that particular task at the moment, those can be good reasons to work on something else for a while. However, if you’re delaying a task because you don’t believe in it (maybe it conflicts with a personal value, for instance) or because you fear it (like, maybe you think you will fail), procrastinating could actually be quite detrimental.

If the reason you’re avoiding a task is because you actually don’t think it’s a good idea or if it’s a project you don’t believe in (and perhaps, don’t want to be associated with), consider handing the task off to someone else, if at all possible. On the other hand, if you fear that you may fail to complete the task in some way and just can’t seem to get started – remember that everyone fails and it’s a normal part of life. In fact, it’s how we learn! Don’t let this fear paralyze you and prevent you from reaching your goals!

There may even be things you can do to help set yourself up for success (and that will actually allow you to get started on the project) like speaking with others in your field to get advice, adding colleagues to the project to help assist with its completion, and/or breaking the project up into more manageable parts over time.

Avoid waiting too long. While I do tend to procrastinate, I always allow myself enough time to actually complete a project by the deadline. Keep in mind that this doesn’t mean I’m throwing together shoddy work at the last minute to ensure I have something (or anything) to submit. I’m committed to completing high quality work in whatever I do, so part of the time I designate to complete a project also includes enough time to do things like preliminary research and/or proofreading after my initial draft.

However, I recognize that things sometimes happen which are completely out of our control. The people I work with know that (for me) these are the exception and not the norm. So when a family emergency occurs or I get sick and have to ask for a deadline extension, it’s almost never a problem.

If you’re not already in the practice of doing so, I encourage you to work towards budgeting enough time to fully complete a project with the quality of work it deserves, even when you procrastinate. If this is a struggle, I encourage you to go back to the previous point and consider the root of the reason for your procrastination – it may be that you aren’t committed to the goal or that you don’t actually want to do the task – in which case, you may consider what other options are available to you.

Stop beating yourself up. We often berate ourselves when we procrastinate, but as you now know, [productive] procrastination can actually be a good thing. So why do we beat ourselves up for doing it? We may feel obligated to be in front of the computer screen because that’s what we think we should be doing, even if it means staring at a blank screen or wasting time on Facebook or other sites. Instead, when you know you’re not going to be productive (you know yourself and I’m certain you often know if you’re going to be productive before you even sit down to work), consider doing something that will actually give your mind the break it needs.

Remember, how I mentioned “mind wandering” earlier? There’s kind of an art to it in that when we allow ourselves to gain some objectivity and space from a project, we often find our minds more able to openly and creatively explore ideas. Sometimes, the very best thing we can do is walk away from the computer (or other workspace) and literally get outside. Take a break and allow your mind to rest.

My advisor told me about a former graduate student who actually woke up from a dream and could suddenly understand how her data set fit together. Of course, this doesn’t happen for everyone and you shouldn’t necessarily expect to have some great epiphone, but it’s a great example of how some space to just let things ‘percolate’ can be extremely meaningful and much more productive than staring hopelessly (and frustrated) at a blank computer screen.

Find some accountability. Pretty much all of us are more likely to meet our goals when we have someone to help hold us accountable. While a significant other or friend can be a good option, sometimes people we care about aren’t the best people to hold us accountable. We should be cautious because they may be inclined ‘to let us off the hook’ when we don’t meet our goals which can quickly become a bad habit. It’s also possible that they might be really good at holding us to our goals, but we may begin to feel resentful or frustrated which would likely harm our relationships with them.


Alternatively, look for a colleague who could also benefit from having someone hold them accountable. In this case, the experience is mutually beneficial. It doesn’t even have to be someone within your office. Another graduate student who I had met during a class agreed to be an accountability partner with me even though we didn’t live in the same town. We sent our daily and weekly goals to each other via email and did weekly video chats to check-in which worked really well for us.

If a colleague isn’t a viable option for you (for whatever reason), a mentor or counselor could also be a great person to help hold you accountable. Just remember that ultimately, you are responsible for your own success — you have the ability to set your own goals and you’re the only person who can choose to achieve them.

Final Thoughts:

As with my previous posts, the common theme here is that it’s all about you. Make productive procrastination work for you in the way that you want it to. And, if you don’t want to procrastinate (because maybe you don’t find it personally beneficial) – don’t!

I encourage you to try some of the above tips out and see what’s most ideal for you.

Let me know what’s helping you be a productive procrastinator in the comments section below – I would love to hear from you!

All my best,




Onderko, P. (2015). 6 tips to be a productive procrastinator. Success. Retrieved October 17, 2018, from

Tierney, J. (2013). This was supposed to be my column for New Year’s day. The New York Times. Retrieved October 17, 2018 from

Zhang, M. (2014). How procrastinating can make you more productive. Business Insider. Retrieved October 17, 2018, from

Photo Credits (in order of appearance)

  1. Girl, Photo by Alexandra Gorn on Unsplash
  2. The shelf, Photo by Paweł Czerwiński on Unsplash
  3. Sparklers, Photo by Jayson Hinrichsen on Unsplash
  4. Sisters are forever, Photo by Andrea Tummons on Unsplash

Learning to Love Your Journey

Mandalas, if you aren’t familiar with them, are these beautiful works of art typically made from sand. They are painstakingly designed and then created with great care grain by grain. They often take weeks to complete. Today, they have been adopted by other cultures, but the practice is attributed to Tibetan monks. The design is symbolic as the mandala itself is circular, a representation of the world. When the mandala is complete, the sand is carefully swept away. The mandala is destroyed and the sand is typically placed into water, as a symbolic gesture of giving it back to the earth.

In the past, I have shared the concept of mandalas with my students as a means of discussing the importance of the process itself; the journey. While that’s not untrue, – there certainly are some lessons in being a part of something bigger than one’s self and becoming part of a community to create and collaborate – there is actually a greater underlying meaning in understanding that everything is impermanent.

Truly, everything we experience, everything that is a part of the construct of our lives, is fleeting. Our emotions; our suffering, our joy, it is all impermanent. I bring this up because I think a big part of learning to love the journeys we are on, at whatever point we are at, is knowing that we won’t be here, in this spot, forever.

Through understanding the impermanence of each day, each experience, we can learn to hold on to those things that bring us joy and happiness. These are the things we should savor! And at the same time, we can take comfort in knowing that when we are in pain, the sorrow will fade with time.

(On the other hand, I want to make a point here that feeling hopeless is very different from feeling sad. Sadness does fade, but a sense of true hopelessness may indicate depression which is a serious condition. If you are experiencing this, I urge you to connect with a healthcare professional immediately to seek help. Please send me a private message if you would like additional information or assistance with starting the process.)

Today, I want to share with you some of my best tips (and those of others) which are likely to help you embrace, and eventually love, the journey on which you find yourself. Remember, you are the only person who determines how you experience your life. While we may encounter occurrences that we don’t expect, we always have the ability to choose how we respond to and move forward from these events.

Learn to be present. Ever tried to practice yoga with cats around? It’s almost impossible to let your mind wander because your cats will keep bringing you back to the present moment whether they’re rubbing their squishy faces on your legs, or batting their paws at your hair, or trying to take a nap underneath you while you’re in downward dog. This example often comes to mind when I think of being present because it’s all about fully participating in the moment and allowing your senses to be fully engaged with your surroundings.

Put the distractions away (yes, even your phone – OMG, don’t hyperventilate, I’m only asking you to do this for a short time each day) and be present in the moment for at least a few minutes each day. This may be while you’re out on a walk or spending time with family or friends. It may be while you’re getting a pedicure or back massage. It may be while you practice an art like playing the piano, or painting, or dancing.

Whatever it is, commit to spending some time in which you allow yourself to fully engage in the moment and the pleasure of the activity. At the same time, recognize that your mind will inevitably drift away and when it does, be gracious and lovingly bring your attention back to the present moment. The more we practice this, the better we will become at truly being present (and the less we will find our minds wandering).

Practice flexibility and adaptability. I find this to be very challenging myself, but honestly, the more flexible and adaptable I become, the better I truly feel. A wonderful teacher and mentor, Carole Westerman, recently reminded me that in whatever we are cultivating through our practice (in this case, the practice of yoga), we should become more flexible, not less.

We may adopt a trend or way of life that improves our well-being, like a diet or form of exercise, but it shouldn’t be at the expense of becoming less flexible. For instance, if you adopt an all-organic lifestyle, that’s awesome for you! However, if it means that you suddenly can’t go to dinner with friends or travel or simply enjoy your life, then maybe we should be asking ourselves why we’re doing it.

This doesn’t mean that a particular practice doesn’t have value or isn’t important, but it’s equally important to develop some flexibility. Maybe this means that you have to do some research in advance and suggest restaurants that would be most ideal for you (from the example above). Or maybe it simply means having some tolerance for ambiguity and understanding that you may not be able to control the circumstances of every situation – and that’s okay.

Most importantly, I don’t think it’s healthy to create lots of restrictions for ourselves which prevent us from fully living and experiencing our lives – why not have both?!

Discover things that bring you joy. Yes, just yes! Try new things or pick up old things that you used to love doing. Spend some time doing the activities that bring you joy and savor them. Smile, laugh, share these events with others, and repeat.


There is no judgement here. In fact, I would encourage you to connect with your inner child and really ask yourself what you find fun. Go play laser tag with your friends or just a group or strangers – don’t knock it until you try it, it’s seriously a great time. Go to a concert, go paintballing with zombies (this is something I actually just bought tickets for and I am stoked!), sign up for a 5K, take up dance lessons or learn to play an instrument, play video games, take up writing, or just go for walk!! Literally, the sky is the limit. Hey – you could even go skydiving (if that’s your thing – heights are totally not my thing!).

Don’t be afraid to be explorative. See what’s happening nearby you. This doesn’t have to be something costly (in fact, it could absolutely be free!). Consider finding an adventurous friend to try some things with you or go on your own!n Above all, have fun and discover some joy.

Find some gratitude. This sounds so simple, but we often forget to do it. A few months ago, I read The Book of Joy (which I highly recommend) and I believe it was Archbishop Desmond Tutu who simply reminded readers to “count your blessings.” We (or at least, I) tend to spend a lot of time complaining about things in our lives – all of the shortcomings and disappointments, but we don’t designate much recognition or time to the things for which we should be grateful.

This may sound silly, but it honestly gets easier the more you do it. I always think of my friend and former colleague, Beth, who posted a blank sheet of paper to our shared office door and labeled it, “Things I am grateful for…” She gently encouraged me and our third office comrade to participate in her activity (which we rather grudgingly did – at first).

Amazingly, it didn’t take long for us to fill that sheet and even others throughout the building stopped to add their thoughts to the list. Tiny little scribbles barely legible appeared in the margins until there was virtually no space left. So many things I hadn’t even thought of (and can’t specifically recall now) appeared on that list and reminded me of how full my life was (and is) – how many things for which to be grateful.

This is an easy task you can do on your own or with friends or colleagues. Take a blank sheet of paper and write down one thing for which you are grateful. Work on adding just one item each day. It won’t take long for you to fill your sheet and chances are, you will often have more than just one.

Leave the past in the past. Forgive yourself and move on. When you lie awake at night, do you agonize over all of the should-ofs and could-ofs from your life? Stop torturing yourself. We cannot change the past (although sometimes we really, really wish we could). All we can do is learn from those experiences and try our very best to avoid making the same mistakes again.

Have some grace and remind yourself that you are human, which means you (and all of the rest of us) are fallible, imperfect beings. Everyone – EVERYONE – makes mistakes. Stop comparing yourself to others. We can’t possibly know all of the experiences of every person, so we should just stop worrying about other people and instead, focus inward.

If you find it difficult to have some self-compassion (like most of us do), try imagining what you would tell a friend in the same situation (and then, give that very loving and compassionate message to yourself).

Look forward to the future. Put simply, plan with intention and make it happen. Did you know people who write down their goals are more likely to achieve them? It’s true and it’s actually supported by science – in fact, one study found that people were 42% more likely to achieve their goals and dreams when they simply wrote them down on a regular basis.


What does this mean for you? First, you need to spend some time really thinking about your goals and dreams. Don’t limit yourself (at least not a first) — really indulge your wildest dreams and make a list with everything on it. Challenge yourself – it can be exciting and highly motivating to envision yourself reaching new heights. Once you’ve done that, you can start shaping your list into a more realistic set of goals, both long-term and short-term.

Recently, while standing in the entryway of a friend’s apartment, I noticed a whiteboard which hung next to the front door. There, clearly written out and even numbered (I think to indicate the priority of each) was a list of this person’s goals. It occurred to me that this is the level of commitment we need to actually achieve our goals. It’s important for us to see them and remind ourselves of what we’re working towards frequently, because it helps keep us motivated.

I’m not at all saying that you need to hang your goals next to your front door (though it’s not the worst idea), but I challenge you to actually take the time to write down your goals and keep them close. Check those goals frequently and ask yourself if you’re on track to meet them. Are there things that are keeping you from achieving your goals? Do you need to adjust your goals because of recent changes in your life? Whatever the case, commit to revisiting and even rewriting these goals on a regular basis. Seriously, the science supports it.

Fill your mind with the right stuff. Everything we take in is being filtered by our brains in some way and absolutely impacts our mood and behavior. Be selective about the music you listen to, the books or magazines you read, and even the television or movies you watch. I’m not saying you shouldn’t ever indulge in watching a scary movie, but if that’s all you ever watch, you’ll probably find that your anxiety and paranoia are constantly activated.

Opt for music that helps relax you or lifts your mood. I was at the gym the other night and saw this guy who was in his own world, totally blocking out anyone else in the gym, and he was busting out some pretty serious dance moves to whatever was playing in his earbuds. It made me smile because that’s exactly what our music should do for us – it should move our souls and make us want to dance like no one is watching.

Read books and articles that leave you with a sense of wonder, possibility, or inspiration. This doesn’t mean you have to stop reading fiction (because I love a good suspenseful murder mystery) if that’s your thing. Just consider mixing in some material that leaves you with that feel-good buzz. I already mentioned The Book of Joy, and I’m currently reading Girl, Wash Your Face (both of which I highly recommend), but there are literally tons of great books our there! In fact, just google, “great books that leave you feeling good” or “best inspirational books” and you will find many (many) suggestions.

Okay, you get the idea. Just to be clear, I’m definitely not encouraging you to ignore things that may not be pleasing to you (like the news, for instance – this is not an excuse to be ignorant), but I do think there should be a healthy balance of the type of information we’re receiving each day. This is especially true if you find that your mood is being largely impacted by these things. You know yourself better than anyone else, so listen to what your mind and body are telling you and go with what’s best for you.

Love yourself. Give yourself a virtual (or literal, if you prefer) hug. I mentioned both gratitude and self-forgiveness previously, but these aren’t really the same as actually loving yourself. Do you think you are a good person? Do you like yourself? Do you love yourself? You should! And if you don’t, you’re the only person keeping you from doing so.

That may have felt harsh, but it’s the honest truth — if you don’t love yourself, you are the only person on the planet who can change it. Start focusing on the wonderful qualities about yourself that make you awesome — Are you reliable? Always have a friend’s back? Always willing to help? Genuinely care about your friends? Trust me, there are reasons for you to love yourself and that’s where you need to place your focus.

However, if you find that your list of awesome qualities is shorter than you would like it to be, or if there’s qualities about yourself that you don’t admire, then decide if these things are really important to you. And if they are important to you (don’t worry about other people), change them! If you don’t like that you are constantly breaking your word or bailing on friends, figure out what needs to change so that you can stop doing that.

I want you to love yourself today and tomorrow and always, but recognize that we are all works-in-progress and that is completely okay. It doesn’t make us any less lovable, it makes us human.

Have a sense of humor. Practice laughing when things don’t go the way you planned (instead of exploding with anger or simmering on the inside). Our reaction to unexpected events determines how we experience the world around us. It’s definitely not always easy, but it can really help us cope with life when we approach things with a sense of humor or lightness. And I think it actually helps us with becoming more flexible and adaptable as well.


I will admit I have a tendency to take things a bit too seriously (just ask any of my friends or family members), but I am ‘seriously’ (pun fully intended) working on this and I think I’m making improvements. And to be honest, when it feels like the only options are to laugh or cry, I would just rather laugh (because no one likes to cry).

If you’re blessed with the gift of quick wit, this can be particularly useful in providing comic relief. It’s not always appropriate, but sometimes what people really need is a reprieve from the seriousness of life and some comic relief can often provide that. I don’t really know how to tell you to read the ‘right’ situation, but I trust you to use your best judgement in knowing when and where this could be useful. It’s okay to laugh, people!

Focus on others. This may sound counter-intuitive initially. But truly, if you’re trying to find some joy in your own life, the most effective way to do that is by focusing on others (in fact, that’s almost the entire point of The Book of Joy — I’ve referenced this twice already so I trust that you can navigate your way to one of the above links if you’re interested in reading it!).

You may consider taking up a cause or volunteering at a local community center – both of which would be great ideas and worthy endeavors. However, there’s something you can easily do today that doesn’t take a lot of time or effort  and that’s to simply listen. I mean really listen to the people around you.

Most people in [emotional] pain just want to feel heard and you can offer that. It’s easy (well, maybe it’s not that easy)! Just shut your mouth, stop talking, and pay attention (you can reference my earlier point about learning to be present if you’re not sure how to do this, but I have a feeling you do).

You don’t need to have all of the answers. You don’t need to have access to lots of resources. You don’t need to provide any solutions. All you have to do is listen. Just try it, what do you have to lose?

Final Thoughts

Trust your instincts when it comes to doing things that will help you learn to love your journey. Like I’ve said before (and will definitely say again), you know yourself better than anyone else.

Remember that we only have today – tomorrow is not promised to us. Recognize the impermanence of everything and start embracing your journey today.



Bluerock, G. (2017). 6 ways to love your life more. Life. Retrieved October 4, 2018, from

Morrissey, M. (2016). The power of writing down your goals and dreams. Huffpost. Retrieved October 11, 2018, from

Priebe, H. (2018). 33 simple ways to fall back in love with your life. Thought Catalog. Retrieved October 4, 2018, from

The Pluralism Project. (2018). Creating a mandala. Harvard University. Retrieved October 10, 2018, from

Photo Credits (in order of appearance)

  1. Mandala, Photo by Bharet Dass on Instagram (@bharatdass108)
  2. Smiling woman, Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
  3. Chasing the light in Yosemite, Photo by Grant Ritchie on Unsplash
  4. Just laugh, Photo by Jenna Anderson on Unsplash


Making the Most of Your Workout Routine

I don’t know about you, but I always find that my own workout routine starts to decline at this time of year because I lose motivation as the days get shorter and the weather gets colder. When you can’t be outside doing the things you love, it’s easy to get discouraged and to just quit working out altogether (seriously, I have so been there).

Last week, I talked about burnout and  because physical activity was one of the things I suggested trying out, I thought it would be appropriate this week to talk about strategies for creating a workout routine that really works for you (plus, I’m hoping it will help motivate me to keep going). Wherever you are in your own fitness journey, I hope you will find some of these suggestions helpful in embarking on new goals or continuing your success.

I also want to make a quick note to say that I am not a certified trainer or nutritionist. The items included in the list below are based on what has worked for me as well as other good resources I have collected. Please consider consulting with your physician or another professional before making any changes to your fitness routine and/or diet.

I think the single most important thing to keep in mind when developing a workout routine is to make it your own. If you don’t like what you’re doing, chances are you won’t continue to do it for long. That said, here are some of my best tips to help ensure you get the most out of your own workout routine:

Choose to do things you enjoy. I LOVE running. It’s one of the few times I experience this sense of euphoric weightlessness (so weird, I know). In fact, I often find myself smiling as I run (which probably really weirds other people out). Plus, I feel immensely sexy right after a great run (maybe it’s that glowy look from all the sweat?). If running’s not your thing (you aren’t alone!), consider alternatives that may appeal to you like taking a boot camp, Zumba, jazzercise, or a yoga class.


While working out with a group of people can be fun, you may also consider working with a personal training (even just for a session or two) to help introduce you to some new options and prevent injury when trying new things (a good trainer should always check and correct your form if needed). Working with a trainer can also be an excellent option if you have a previous injury and you’re not sure of the best options available to you.

I have a SLAP tear in my left shoulder which has taken about 6 months of recovery to be fully functional (as much as a SLAP tear will heal at least) and I’ve been working with a trainer recently to design a regimen for strengthening my upper body that won’t put me at risk of further injury. So far, so good!

If you enjoy being outdoors and the climate permits, options like kayaking, biking, hiking, and paddle boarding can also be fun. Or, in the winter months, skiing or snowboarding could be great options (depending on where you live). Of course, you may find that you want to try all of these and that would be great as well!

Integrate a good mix of cardio, strength training, and flexibility exercises. While I do run most days, I also add in some strength training by stopping at our local outdoor fitness pad (check it out here) which allows me to focus on targeted strengthening for upper and/or lower body. I also frequently follow my run with a quick core workout (like this one from XHIT). On days that I don’t run, I generally take a long walk and follow it with some Yin Yoga (which provides lots of deep stretching).

When I’m unable to be outside (because it’s pouring rain, or snowing, or whatever), I hit the gym and typically do some targeted strength training for upper body, lower body, or core and follow it with some cardio on the treadmill or stair-stepper.

Again, the key is really to find what works for you — your ideal balance may involve less cardio and more strength training, or more focus on flexibility and less of the others. My routine is constantly changing based on my personal needs and goals, so don’t feel like you’re limited in any way! This is something that you can absolutely change and adapt over time as your own needs change.

Find a workout partner. Accountability can be a powerful tool for getting you motivated to workout. If you’re worried you may find yourself pushing your workout to the bottom of your to-do list, or maybe off of it altogether (or, if you just enjoy working out with a friend!), I encourage you to find someone to workout with you. This might be a significant other, colleague, family member, friend, or someone you meet during a class at your gym. Set a regular time to meet, discuss what you want to do ahead of time so that you already have a plan in mind, and then, actually show up (because no one likes being stood up).

I have typically struggled to find consistent workout partners in the past because I have an unusual schedule (I generally workout in the late morning or mid-afternoon), so some potential alternatives that have worked for me (in terms of accountability) include scheduling sessions with a trainer 1-2 times per week, signing up for classes at designated times, and/or marking off time to get to the gym on your calendar so that you’re less likely to compromise on making it there (because you already planned it into your schedule).

Change it up throughout the week. Even if you absolutely love a particular workout, you’re bound to get bored with it at some point. The best way to combat this it to ensure you have a variety of workouts throughout your week. A common option is to alternate focal areas such as leg day, upper body day, and core day. You may even want to consider taking alternate routes if running or walking is something you regularly enjoy.

I also try to change up the types of yoga I do throughout the week depending on my mood and needs. For example, a Yin or Hatha Yoga class can be really calming because they’re slower moving, whereas an Asana Flow class will get your blood pumping.

If you’re not sure which class to take, read the description (these are usually available on the studio website) or stop by to chat with an instructor about the best options for you. There are also some great videos available online (like those on YogaGlo) if you prefer to practice at home.

The bottom line is – don’t be afraid to try new things and to challenge yourself by adding new exercises that may be out of your comfort zone (like lifting weights, for instance). Of course, it’s always a good idea to work with a trainer when you’re trying something for the first time to ensure you don’t cause injury to yourself.

As long as you keep an open mind and willingness to try new things, you’re sure to find things that provide your routine with lots of great variety.

Work up to a more rigorous routine over time. It may be tempting to start out full force by working out 7 days a week or running 8 miles the first time you go out, but this is bound to set you up for failure. When you’re starting a new fitness routine, it’s important to set realistic (as in, actually achievable) goals for ourselves.

Start by planning 2-3 days per week for an amount of time that fits your schedule (keep in mind that it may only be 20 minutes and that’s totally okay). You may need to start out with something like walking, adding in intermittent running as you build your endurance.

You should also begin all reps and weight on the low end. Then, see how you feel over the next couple of days and adjust as needed. If you over do it, you’re likely to suffer an injury that will force you to stop working out (completely defeating the purpose). If you’re concerned about where to start, I encourage you to schedule a session with a personal trainer (again – sorry, I’m like a broken record on this).

Invest in the right shoes. A good pair of tennis shoes are absolutely necessary, but even more so if you’re someone who plans to do long-distance running. Everyone has different needs when it comes to finding the best shoe, so my best advice is to visit a store where the clerks are actually trained to help you find the right shoes.


I’m fortunate to have the Lincoln Running Company within a reasonable driving distance. They are true experts in terms of finding the best shoe for you. They will watch you walk and discuss your particular needs (like how far you run, if you’re training for a race, etc.) as well as any concerns you may have (like if you’re prone to corns or blisters due to rubbing, or if you have back pain after you run, etc.).

The first time I visited their store, they even guaranteed the shoes I purchased and told me I could bring them back after I tried them out a couple of times (outdoors!) if they weren’t the right shoes for me. Do yourself a favor and do some research to find a store that provides this service and invest in a good pair of shoes.

Having a great playlist is a must. On days that I walk, I love to listen to audio books using Audible, but I know I won’t make it to a good running pace if I don’t have a good playlist to pump me up a bit. Whether you use a streaming service like Pandora or create your own play list, be sure to have a set that makes you want to move!

My playlist totally depends on my mood (and probably a bit on the pace I’m wanting to run). Some days, I love music that’s more along the lines of a dance mix (think Shakira, Lady Gaga, Fergie, Rihanna, Arianna Grande). On other days, I love a sort of punk rock / indie rock mix (think Good Charlotte, The White Stripes, Green Day, My Chemical Romance, Fallout Boy). Whatever your taste in music, just make sure your set list is something you really enjoy and will get your heart pumping.

Workout at a time of day that works for your schedule. I know there’s a lot of articles out there that all seem to share a different opinion on the best time of day to workout. The bottom line is – choose a time that works for you. If you’re not a morning person and you think you want to start getting up early to squeeze in a workout, you’ll probably find yourself hitting snooze and sleeping through it.

I prefer to run outside, but I’m totally not a morning person. Because it’s actually quite dangerous to run outside when it’s around 100 degrees (Fahrenheit), I typically wait to work out until after 7pm during the summer. This means that I work out in the evening, sometimes rather late. For me, it works well with my schedule (as I work from home and set my own schedule) and doesn’t seem to impact my ability to sleep well.

However, the time that works most ideally for you will depend on your own schedule and energy patterns. If you find that you’re tired in the late morning, but have plenty of energy in the afternoon, it may be most ideal to fit in a workout right after work at 4 or 5pm. I would even recommend trying out some different times (if it isn’t too disruptive to your schedule) to see when you feel the most energized and mentally prepared to workout.

Be kind to your body – always replenish yourself. Just as important as your actual workout plan is to your physical health, is the other stuff in your life that helps support your fitness needs. Things like getting enough sleep, drinking plenty of water, and eating nourishing foods.


There are plenty of great resources out there to help you find the best diet / food lifestyle for yourself (like the Whole30, for instance). However, I generally subscribe to the idea of clean eating which focuses on eating nutrient rich, whole foods and avoiding processed and sugary foods. I also try to go through the Whole30 once a year to check what’s working well for me and what may need to be adjusted within my diet.

Again, this should be a decision that works for you and it may take trying out some different options to find the right fit. You may also consider meeting with a nutritionist or your regular doctor to discuss options. Don’t get discouraged if you struggle be successful on your first attempt to follow a diet plan. Part of any process is failure as it allows us to adjust our behavior and become successful!

Check yourself out. Seriously, notice the changes in your body and admire them (like, actually look in the mirror and tell yourself you look good – repeat after me, “I. look. awesome!”). Applaud yourself for your efforts and your successes when you make it to the gym every day you intended this week or when you complete an extra hard work out (you’re a machine!). Celebrate your goals along the way when you drop a pound or lose body fat or when you just freaking feel better!

Final Thoughts

Above all, remember to focus on what matters to you.

Create a workout routine that is completely your own and don’t be afraid to keep making adjustments until it’s perfect for you (which may mean it’s continually changing).

All my best to you as you create or improve your own fitness plan!

If you have a workout plan that works well for you, I would love to hear about it – comment below and feel free to share your own post-workout photo!



Fetters, K. A. (2016). 13 ways to get the most out of your workout according to research. Time. Retrieved October 3, 2018, from

Robinson, K. M. (2018). Top 10 fitness tips. WebMD. Retrieved October 3, 2018, from

Smith, J. (2017). Dr. Oz’s top 10 health and fitness tips of all time. Shape. Retrieved October 3, 2018, from

Photo Credits (in order of appearance)

  1. Into the street wild, Photo by Oscar Söderlund on Unsplash
  2. My post-workout picture, Photo by me
  3. Shoes on stairs, Photo by Bruno Nascimento on Unsplash
  4. Emptying a glass bottle, Photo by Benjamin Voros on Unsplash

Are You Feeling the Burn[out]?

This past weekend, I went to a friend’s backyard barbecue. Sitting around a fire, surrounded by friends – the evening was nearly picturesque – kids running around, adults enjoying cocktails, all while playing some fun yard games.


As the night wore on and we all began to wind down, a familiar topic of conversation emerged which has prompted me to write today’s blog post. Over the past several months, I’ve been hearing many of the same frustrations and concerns from my friends, family members, colleagues, and even students (plus, I’m pretty sure I’ve said these exact words more than once):

I’m exhausted

I’m working all the time and just can’t get caught up

I go to work early and leave late, but it’s not enough

It’s never enough

It seems we’re facing a huge problem as a society, but nothing is changing. We continue down the same destructive path, hoping that if we just spread ourselves a little bit thinner, stretch a little bit farther, we’ll achieve some miraculous act which will allow us to finally find some relief.

We’re burnt out. And the truth of the matter is, there isn’t some magical fix around the next bend.

What is almost certain to happen is that we will exhaust our bodies and minds to their breaking points. We will face health issues that impact us physiologically and likely, psychologically. Our bodies will demand that we stop the madness — that we finally get some rest! Unfortunately, it will be at the cost of lasting damage which will set us back even further than our previous starting point.

Not to mention the strain that this lifestyle is likely to place on our relationships with others (your SO, your kids, other family members or friends).

And the cycle begins again.

Unless, we choose to change.

Perhaps, even worse than the sentiment of burnout are the feelings of failure that we seem to adopt as a result:

I’ll never make enough money

I’m always letting my family down

I hate what I do, but I don’t have another option

I will never do better than this

If you’re still reading this and you find that you can identify with one or more of these statements –  please, stop lying to yourself.

Stop lying to yourself today. Make the commitment to yourself to stop being your own worst enemy and to instead, have some self-compassion.

Think about all of the great things you are…





Bloody brilliant

You’re practically GD super human!

You (and only you) have the power and ability to change your life. To make it what you want.

You can improve your circumstance and you can become a happier person. It won’t be easy, but you’ve almost certainly been through harder things in the past – and you survived!

Reading over these last few lines, I realized how much I’m sounding like one of those self-help books or motivational cassette tapes (yep, I remember those). The truth of the matter is that you already know all of this – I’m not saying anything you haven’t already told yourself. But, maybe seeing it here in text, written on this page, will push you one step closer to actually making the changes you want to make. Maybe today will be the day that you commit to yourself to actually take some action.

You can start today.

As you probably already know, burnout is the result of sustained stress and exhaustion. It will not resolve itself or get better on its own. The only way to tackle burnout is to work on decreasing the underlying stress and to help ensure your body is able to get the rest it needs. Below, I’ve pulled together some of the best practices for learning to cope with (and hopefully recover from) burnout which I hope you find helpful.

Best Practices for Coping with Burnout:

Prioritize, prioritize, prioritize. Ask yourself what’s most important to you – What are your non-negotiables? What must be done today? What can you let go of? What can you delegate to others?

Once you have a list of your true priorities, you can begin breaking them down into realistic goals. Maybe you need to shift or adjust your goals to better fit with your current place in life. It’s important to be honest with ourselves during this process because over-committing or setting our goals too high, will only land us back in the same spot again. It’s much better to start with small, attainable goals, than to feel defeated by unrealistic goals.

If you have difficulty gauging what you can actually accomplish in a week, break it into days. Then, break those days into hours. Do whatever it takes for you to regain control of your goals and to begin feeling a sense of accomplishment. I use to help me stay organized and on task, but there are lots of great resources out there. So, find what works for you and take control of your priorities.

I will likely write more about goal setting at a later date, but one approach that tends to work well for people is setting S.M.A.R.T. goals. Here’s a page from MindTools that will give you a quick rundown of the SMART Goal Strategy to help you get started.

Find restorative outlets. While the very best thing is likely to take some time away from the source of your stress (e.g., work, school, etc.), I realize that this may not be possible in many cases. If taking a restorative vacation is out, then look for things that can bring some peace and calm throughout your week.

It may be as simple as making time to take a walk or calling a good friend to catch up. It might be getting a massage or taking an afternoon out on the lake to fish or paddle-board. It may be enrolling in a yoga class or practicing meditation at home.


Whatever it is, it should be fun – this should be the thing that brings you joy, the thing you look forward to throughout your week. I know you’re probably thinking that you don’t have time to fit another thing into your schedule – after all, that’s what started this whole mess – but, I assure you, carving out some time each week (even if it’s just one hour on a random evening) will exponentially be worth the investment for your health.

Learn to say no. This is something that I definitely struggle to do. I’m always worried that turning down an opportunity could mean less opportunities in the future. So, I say yes until my plate is so full that I can’t really give my best effort to anything.

Here’s the truth: We cheat ourselves and we cheat the projects we work on when we don’t protect our time.

Saying ‘no’ doesn’t mean we have to be jerks either (because I know sometimes it can feel that way) – it can be as simple as saying, “Thanks for thinking of me. Unfortunately, I don’t have the time to designate to helping with this project right now, but I hope you’ll keep me in mind for future opportunities.”

People really do appreciate honesty and they would rather have you turn them down up front, then to watch you bail out half way through or do a haphazard job. And, if you’re really as amazing as I know you are, the opportunities will continue to present themselves in the future.

Show some self-compassion. Believe it or not, most people really struggle to show self-compassion. We’re so hard on ourselves – we push ourselves to set extremely high goals and then, berate ourselves for failing when we aren’t perfect (because no one is!!). Give yourself a break. Try thinking about what you would tell a good friend in the same situation and then, practice some positive self-talk.

Did you miss a goal? Were you unable to complete your to-do list today? Focus on the positive – remind yourself of everything you did accomplish today and then, adjust your goals for tomorrow (and so on) accordingly.

Avoid thinking of goal adjustment as “lowering” your standards and instead consider how goals can be fluid; something that we can adjust and adapt over time. We don’t have to give up on a goal if we don’t quite reach it when we face obstacles. We can simply shift our goals to account for the new information we have acquired and then, continue forward.

More than once during my graduate program, my timeline has shifted because of my research. Of course, hind sight is 20/20 and I might choose a different research path based on what I know today. But, I didn’t stop doing research and I certainly didn’t quit my pursuit toward finishing my Ph.D. when faced with these challenges. Knowing my research will be worthwhile in the end and that I have the opportunity to investigate something I’m truly passionate about has helped me realize that my goal hasn’t really changed, it’s just adjusted a bit. And, in the end, I will still have those 3 little letters after my name. 🙂

Lean on your support network. Spending time with those who genuinely care about us and who lift us up is all the more important when we’re experiencing burnout and feeling down. It may be the last thing you feel like doing, but it’s important to socialize – even if it’s just a night out (or in) with one or two of your closest friends.

Your support network should consist of people who help provide objectivity and clarity. People who act as a sounding board and can provide compassion when you have a hard time being compassionate with yourself.

You don’t need a large group of friends to establish a strong support network. Draw on those around you who are authentic, the people you can count on when things are tough. This may consist of people who are colleagues, your siblings, or friends from college – whatever the case, whoever makes up your support network, spend some time with these people to help pull you through the difficult times.

Get enough sleep. That’s basically it – just get enough sleep (as in at least 7 hours). You would be amazed at the difference a good night’s sleep makes on your overall mental and physical state. There’s an excellent book by Arianna Huffington, The Sleep Revolution, that is simply a great read and provides a much more in depth explanation than I could possibly provide here. If you’re short on time to read, consider listening to the audio book version on your morning commute.

Seriously though, prioritize your sleep schedule and watch the positive impact it will have on your life.

Fuel your body with nutritious food. I think nutrition and diet are extremely important and I will probably talk about this more in future blog posts, but what I want you consider today is how food makes us feel. If we’re always carb-loading (despite their awesome deliciousness), we’re likely to feel heavy and sluggish because that’s the type of food we’re putting into our bodies.


It’s important to eat a balanced diet that provides us with the energy we need to make it through the day. (This means actually taking the time to eat meals throughout the day and not just refilling our coffee mugs!) Our diets should be full of colorful fruits and vegetables as well as healthy proteins.

In terms of diets, there are lots of great options out there and plenty of information (plus some amazing recipes) available at no cost to you. I encourage you to do some exploring to find what works well for you. Clean Eating, Paleo, Whole30 (based on Paleo), and the Keto Diet are some reputable ones that I would recommend as starting points.

Get up and move. Most of us sit in the same spot all day, every day. We sit at desks, in front of computers, and barely get up to move unless we’re compelled because nature calls. I know it may seem like just another thing to fit into your already tight schedule, but finding time to move each day is important, not just for our bodies, but for our souls (or whatever you call that inner part of yourself that feels deeply satisfied when you do something that’s truly nourishing or fulfilling).

It’s important for us to see outside of our office walls, beyond our computer and phone screens (this totally includes late night binging!). Make a commitment to yourself to spend some time being active each week. It doesn’t have to be something you hate – if you don’t like running, consider doing some yoga, or go kayaking, or go for a scenic walk (or – hey, why not have sex?!) .

Bottom line: Find something you love, that makes you feel good, and get active — it will be so worth it!

Final Thoughts

I know there’s a lot of suggestions here and the last the thing I want for you is to leave this post feeling even more overwhelmed than you already do. I recommend choosing 1-2 things from this list to start working on immediately and then, over time you can work toward integrating more things into your own life.

Choose to start with things that get you excited (like finding a restorative outlet or getting active) as you will be much more likely to actually stick with them. Set realistic goals for yourself like trying to get enough sleep at least 2 nights a week.

Whatever the case, recognize that no one is perfect and it’s okay if you don’t achieve your goals on the first attempt. Don’t let this defeat you – instead, have some self-compassion and commit to giving your best effort again next week.

I welcome you to post your personal goals in the comments section below. All my best to you as you start this journey!


References Burnout prevention and treatment: Techniques for dealing with overwhelming stress. Trusted guide to mental and emotional health. Retrieved September 18, 2018, from

Mind Tools Content Team. Recovering from burnout: Recovering passion for your role again. MindTools. Retrieved September 18, 2018, from

Tartakovsky, M. (2018). 5 ways to cope with burnout. PsychCentral. Retrieved September 18, 2018, from


Photo Credits (in order of appearance)

  1. Female head from behind, Photo by Volkan Olmez on Unsplash
  2. Camp Fire, Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash
  3. Path in the Woods, Photo by Me 🙂
  4. Fruit Tree Harvest, Photo by Brooke Lark on Unsplash